Shucking Oysters: War and Peace
By Alex Allen
Yes, it’s official. I am truly suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome®. I can’t keep up, let alone wrap my head around anything that that lizard-eyed creep says or does. His 2:00 am posts are like a passive-aggressive hummingbird on Ritalin. If he doesn’t get his way, he ramps up his inner child and throws a tantrum of abuse. Warning: Big, big child on board. So, it is no surprise that the overindulged toddler is having a maga-meltdown over being snubbed again for not being awarded this year’s Nobel Peace Prize. This year the Commander-In-Thief claims he deserves multiple Nobel Peace Prizes.
Does anyone remember the Board of Peace,® which he created as part of his Gaza peace plan? To kick off the inaugural meeting, strongmen leaders stood around at the Donald J. Trump Institute for Peace,® waiting to take a group photo while Elvis’ “If I Can Dream” played in the background. When the president finally joined the group, a Guns and Roses song was playing. “Does everybody like the music?” Trump® chimed as the group all nodded approvingly. “Perfect song,” his son-in-law, “Envoy of Peace” Jared Kushner gushed as he stood nearby.
The meeting continued down its usual bizarre trajectory with the Donald rambling for 45 minutes on a series of grievances, bragging about his peace deals, attacking US political allies, and even making a series of cringe-worthy comments about those in attendance. When he finally got to the reason why the Board of Peace® was created, he declared the war in Gaza was over and then promptly fell asleep at the two-hour mark. Three hours later Trump® concluded the meeting bragging that “these are the richest people in the world through their countries,” then banged a golden gavel as the Village People’s ‘YMCA’ blared from speakers as the peaceniks walked off stage.
Argentina, Hungary and Saudi Arabia were among the first recruits, while major Western countries – including the UK, France and Germany – snubbed Trump’s® offer. Australia and Canada declined to pay the $US1 billion fee for permanent membership, while Trump® said that those who haven’t accepted are “playing a little cute.” “You can’t play cute with me,” he warned. I bet Natalie Harp can.
When Trump® didn’t win the Nobel last year, FIFA created its own consolation peace prize for the Crypto Gringo. But the whole charade fell apart when Commander Clusterfuck ramped up his talk about taking over Greenland, Cuba, Panama and possibly Canada. He then invaded Venezuela to arrest Nicolás Maduro and wife (where are they?) as “a humanitarian mission to free the Venezuelan people of an evil, criminal dictator.” Same playbook. Regime stays the same, the US steals their oil and “to the victor belong the spoils.” Weeks later, Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado gave Trump® her peace prize. And with that, Julius Sleazer launched a highly suspect war against Iran – a war that has now stretched over nine months.
In his evening 600-word post last weekend, the Oaf of Office ranted that he should have been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, not South African human rights pioneer Navi Pillay. “I’ve never heard of the person,” Trump® said. “I know a lot of people. I never heard of this particular person…The United States of America, represented by me as your president, should have received the Nobel Peace Prize, but didn’t.” Trump® said the coveted prize “has been forever discredited by a handful of Radical Ideologues who are Anti-Democracy, and Enemies of Civilization!”
Girth Vader repeated his claim that he has “settled 8 Wars,” and said he was “about to settle, or win, two more” in Iran and the war between Russia and Ukraine. As CNN Daniel Dale wrote, Sir Lies-a-Lot: “seems focused on crafting the appearance of glory without the hard work and discipline. He’ll throw his weight around in hopes of winning laurels, even if the vast majority of other people don’t view them as legitimate or deserved.”
Dale, like many other journalists have noted a bit of a problem with his achievements. One of the wars he settled was between Egypt and Ethiopia. They continue to have a long-running diplomatic dispute and relations still remain tense, but they are not at war. Kosovo and Serbia were not even at war during Trump’s presidency.® The war between Rwanda and the “Democrat” Republic of the Congo has not ended despite a peace agreement brokered by Trump® last year. The war between Israel and Hamas? Israel hasn’t stopped attacking Gaza since the October 2025 “ceasefire.”
Peace prize winner Pillay has a distinguished record in international criminal justice and apartheid, but her nomination raises questions about the Nobel establishment’s political priorities. She chaired a UN commission that accused Israel of genocide in the Gaza Strip. As Miles Yu wrote: “Here lies the Nobel Peace Prize’s fundamental problem. Diplomatic engagement becomes an achievement in itself. Institutional prestige substitutes for personal courage. Political aspirations are rewarded as accomplished facts.” When receiving her award, Pillay joked, “If you clap a little bit more, I may share this prize with Trump.®”
Every year of his presidency, Trump® has and will express childish disappointment at his failure to win the Nobel Peace Prize. “This is an indelible stain on the country of Norway and those people that made such a disgraceful and embarrassing decision,” he raged. Trump® has repeatedly attacked Norway for not honouring him, even though its government does not choose the honourees. It’s a committee Donald. And who taught him the word “indelible”? His Sharpie™? If anyone should know what an indelible stain is, it would be the most stubborn, nasty, indelible stain in existence – Trump®.
