Shucking Oysters: Don’t Worry, Be Happy
By Alex Allen
Anytime I have a “negative” view on anything, I am constantly reprimanded. How can I think that way? It’s not as bad as you think. Why are you such a downer? Stay positive. Think good thoughts. One platitude after another. Nathan J. Robinson, wrote that most platitudes are just “needlepoint-pillow wisdom.” Everywhere, pillows, wall art and people, imploring you to breathe, to be happy, to be thankful, to have hope, to relax. Well, there’s a word for this, my superficially bright and optimistic acquaintances. Toxic positivity.
Yes, it is possible to be too upbeat and optimistic. Toxic positivity is all about avoiding or denying any acknowledgement of stress or negativity. It’s a preoccupation with viewing everything – even something unavoidably tragic – in a glaringly, positive light. Your house burned down, but “it could have been worse.” Laid off from work. “Maybe it was meant to be.” Broke up. “Everything happens for a reason.” Even suffering and early death?
According to clinical psychologist, Dr. Jaime Zuckerman, the inherent problem with toxic positivity is that we assume that if a person is not in a positive mood (or whatever we think a positive person should look or act like), then they are somehow wrong, bad, or inadequate. We are saying to them that they should feel ashamed for feeling sad or that they should feel embarrassed for being concerned.
It’s human to have emotions. Ups and downs. That’s what it’s all about. Anger and sadness, just like happiness and joy, come and go. Zuckerman warned, “If you don’t confront or process emotions in an effective and timely manner, the science shows that it can lead to a myriad of psychological difficulties including disrupted sleep, increased substance abuse, risk of an acute stress response, anxiety, depression, and even post traumatic stress disorder.” We need to let ourselves experience painful feelings. It’s OK, to not be OK.
Nicole Karlis writes: “Humans are meant to feel and embrace a full range of emotions – not to be happy robots all the time, especially when bad things happen. And yet, the phrase ‘good vibes only’ is consistently splashed across walls, screens, and doormats, and has become a sort of millennial and Gen Z mantra.”
In a Salon interview, Nora McInerny, author of “Bad Vibes Only (And Other Things I Bring to the Table),” questions those who naively believe that if they think positively, that they will be rewarded, that good things will naturally unfold. But we all know (well, some of us), that we are not our thoughts. Therapy is not to just think happy thoughts, and then you will be magically transported to a joyous, pleasure dome.
It’s hard to go to a bookstore or online without seeing book after book on how to be happier. “The Art of Happiness.” “The How of Happiness.” “Mastering the Art of Positive Thinking.” “You are the Happiness You Seek.” There is this assumption that a good life is a happy life. We’re bombarded with the message that happiness is the most valuable thing that we should aspire to. (And yes, money can buy happiness, but it can’t buy a sense of purpose.)
Happiness can’t be pursued, it happens, it’s the byproduct of leading a meaningful life. Research shows that when we chase happiness and value it in this obsessive way our culture encourages us to do, that we actually end up feeling unhappier, lonelier. But if we do things that we think are meaningful, we’re left with this deeper sense of well being and contentment.
There is much academic debate about whether meaning and happiness are different. When you try to look at people who say that their lives are happy and meaningful, they correlate very closely. People who have meaningful lives tend to be happy and vice versa. But these two are different pursuits. What motivates you and what is your orientation?
If you are motivated by the pursuit of happiness it’s a little bit more of a personal journey because it’s about your happiness. That orientation changes your behaviour. Studies show that when you tell people to go out and pursue happiness, they do things like sleep in, go to the spa; whereas if they pursue meaning, they volunteer in their community, visit an elderly neighbour. Each action changes our mindset, and the distinction is very apparent.
This idea that difficult emotions need to be pushed aside is, no doubt, accounting for so much of our fragility in our communities and in our psychological well-being right now. Emotions are normal. The world is not. As for me, as Lawrence Durrell wrote, “I am neither happy nor unhappy; I lie suspended like a hair or a feather in the cloudy mixtures of memory.”
