Shucking Oysters: Dang Reviews

0
487

Before I stay at a hotel or eat out, I often read the Tripadvisor reviews. Recently I was looking for a good Chinese take out in Courtenay and I stumbled upon “dangW9218AA” reviews. East Kitchen is a “nice restaurant to go eat Chinese food.” Quality Foods has “very good Quality Chinese food” and the Mandarin Village Restaurant is “a very very nice old fashioned styled Chinese restaurant.” All good reviews. Hhmm. Who is this “dangW…”? He lives in Courtenay, is “a proud heavy metal fan” and has 16 followers. 

His first review, February 2021 was McDonald’s on Cliffe, “A nice very friendly restaurant with good food. A very dedicated hard working staff are always happy to serve customers with 100% dedication and are always caring about everything and very good delicious food.” 

Two weeks later the exact same review for the McDonald’s on Lerwick. Five months later back at McDonald’s on Cliffe: “Very yummy and delicious and very good tasting food” and a third review a year later in May “A very very nice and a very super cool and far out family restaurant with … very very good tasting delicious and super yummy food.” Maybe I’ll check one of them out, next time I’m in town.

He did venture. Looking for a good Asian place in town? Pho Maple Noodle: “very very nice and a very super cool Chinese restaurant with very very good tasting and very very delicious and very super yummy Chinese food and very nice staff.” The Saigon Noodle House: “A very very good restaurant with some very good tasting delicious and very yummy Vietnamese food.” 

And … The Kinaree Thai Restaurant: “Very fancy very good tasting yummy Thai food.” Ichiban Sushi: “Very very good tasting delicious and very yummy sushi and tempura and very good happy and friendly staff.” Sushi Jo Japanese Restaurant: “A very very nice and a very super cool sushi restaurant with very very good tasting delicious and very super yummy food and very good hard working and polite and friendly staff.” I know, I couldn’t decide either.

Or perhaps … Greek. Yiamas: “Very good Greek food that tastes very very good and very hard working staff with 100% good customer service and they are always happy and glad to serve there  customers with smiles on there faces and it is a perfect place for couples to have a romantic dinner.”

Subway on Cliffe: “A very very nice and very very cool sandwich shop.” Tim Horton’s on Cliffe: “A very very nice and a very very cool donut and coffee shop with very very good tasting delicious and super yummy food and very good customer service.” The White Spot: “A very very nice legendry BC restaurant.” Wendy’s: “A very very good and a very very nice and a very super cool family fast food restaurant with very very good tasting and very delicious and super yummy food and very good customer service.” 

A & W: “A place to eat burgers” and “very very good tasting delicious and yummy food.” TacoTime: “A very very super nice and totally far out Mexican family restaurant with very super good tasting and super delicious and super yummy food.” Dairy Queen Grill & Chill: “A very very nice friendly family restaurant with very good tasting and very delicious and very super yummy food …” Yes, I was torn, as well.

Downtown Courtenay has “some very very nice stores and very very nice restaurants and very very nice coffee shops and a very very good bank named the Scotia Bank.” The Urban Smoke Shop: “A very very nice local small town cannabis and smoke shop that sells a lot of very very good and very super cool cannabis and smoke products.” Weaver’s Leather: “A very very nice and a very super cool store to buy leather clothing and other biker stuff.” 

The Driftwood Mall? “A very very nice small town shopping center.” 

Still with me? Headache?

But mid 2023 something happened to Dang … Best Western Westerley Hotel is “a nice and beautiful hotel” AND “the front desk manager Josh looks exactly like John Cooper the frontman for the Christian heavy metal band Skillet.” 

Dang’s most recent review June 2023. The Flying Canoe West Coast Pub: “A extremely nice and friendly local neighbourhood pub … with extremely delicious food … loyal friendly caring good hearted cheerful staff featuring Tarun – Amanda – Robert – Olivia – Molly – Sam – Danielle – Chantelle – Annie – Roberta – Desmond and Kirk who are always super happy to serve their customers at any time day or night with very big smiles on their faces and a very diverse selection of music including Top 40 – Country Music – Classic Rock and a nice little dose of Heavy Metal on the side all played on their Spotify stereo system … I strongly encourage coming on down to this pub you will love it and the pub manager Todd looks like a member of the British rock band the Beatles. Hey everybody peace out and rock n roll all night and party every day.” 

I’m guessing Dan g is a very, very super cool extremely friendly nice guy, early 60s, very very single, overweight, smokes pot, lives downtown Courtenay. A heavy metal fan, of course. Rides a motorbike wearing very very nice leather … And which Beatles member does Todd look like, Dang it?