Shucking Oysters: Weathered

By Alex Allen

In the weather front, November did not disappoint. It never does really. I call November the month of storms, ferry cancellations, power outages, and losing your marbles. You can see it in people’s faces, especially after three days of no power. Resigned anger. Zen fury. And bad hair. It wasn’t just the weather affecting our well-being. Other equally frustrating events we had no control over happened. Immediately, after the power outage, City West fibre optic was down for two days and the timely postal strike dragging on with no settlement in sight.

Last week was one crazy week, with over 140,000 people without power. Outages dotted the entire BC coasts. Ferry cancellations from Haida Gwai to Swartz Bay. On Hornby, some challenged souls had no power for five days – all while having to listen to a gas generator next door. We have our sob stories. Every year. The quintessential Canadian weather story. If we can’t incessantly talk about polar vortexes, nine out of ten of us will make a point of checking weather forecasts at least once a day (when the power is on). 

Not too long ago, a typical weather report was fairly innocuous. The narrative has remained the same. We still get hammered, blasted, bombarded, and clobbered by the elements. It’s not mild mannered accountants drafting the weather reports it’s frustrated army generals. Every weather event is “intense,” “severe,” “extreme,” “rapidly deepening,” “aggressive,” “hitting” and “brewing.” If it was a person you’d run the other way.

The difference is that today, we get Meteorology 101 updates along with a quote from some well-meaning qualified expert: “We’re calling it a big skinny fire hose because when you look at the satellite and the radar it’s really quite amazing how if it shifted to the north or south it would drastically change the outcome.”

And what about atmospheric rivers? Aren’t they just the same old rainstorms we’ve always had? What has changed is the frequency, size and impact of these rainstorms. Atmospheric rivers are long, narrow bands of concentrated water vapour in the sky or big skinny fire hoses, depending on your viewpoint. Most are typically 800 kilometres wide and 1,000 km long, with more than double the flow of the Amazon River.

Though the term atmospheric river was first coined by two MIT scientists in 1998, it wasn’t until the 2000s that the term went viral. As our climate has changed, the subject accelerated. In BC, research on atmospheric rivers has also accelerated. Studies suggest we will see atmospheric rivers getting even bigger and transporting even more water vapour. The impact on the BC coast will be huge.

As for bomb cyclones, that’s probably a new one for some of you who don’t study military weather terminology. The first known usage of the term, was in a 1980 research paper in which meteorologists were trying to describe the intensity of winter storms. The Weather Channel defines this condition as, having undergone “bombogenesis,” which sounds like what happens when a Brazilian Butt Lift went horribly wrong. Instead, it’s when a low-pressure system drops rapidly over a short amount of time, resulting in a “bomb-like explosion of winter weather madness,” not an explosion of gluteal fat.

“Bomb cyclone can seem dramatic and kind of intimidating terminology, it can elicit apocalyptic images, but there’s just a lack of understanding with regards to that…it’s a specific atmospheric term, a meteorological term,” Tyler Hamilton, a meteorologist with The Weather Network said soothingly.

Even simple one-word weather terms can be confusing. Showers. Rain. Drizzle. Sprinkles. What’s the real difference? It’s all about intensity and duration. Like the qualities of an ideal partner, Rain is steady, has a continuous fall of water droplets, often lasting for long periods. Showers, on the other hand, have issues with commitment, are shorter and have more sporadic bursts that come and go quickly. While Rain can be heavy and persistent, Showers are usually lighter and more scattered. It’s definitely a toss up. Focused and driven or fun and ditsy? Unfortunately, Rain is often associated with gloominess, while Showers can occur even on sunny days. No matter your persuasion, both Rain and Showers with their distinct characteristics are each unique in their own way.

What about Drizzle and Sprinkles? Like twin consorts, Drizzle and Sprinkles are often hard to tell apart. Drizzle is more of a fine mist, whereas Sprinkles is a very light Rain whose drops fall more sporadically. Luckily, both are fairly easy to distinguish from Rain and Showers. For one, their raindrops will be much smaller and won’t amount to much water collected in your cistern. 

Not to encourage amphibious breaching, but I do think Showers wins the congeniality contest – even if scattered.

When we buy a bag of peanuts (“ingredients: 100% peanuts”), do we really need a warning – just in case we had a momentary memory lapse – that the bag “contains peanuts”? And do we really need the warning on plastic bags reminding us “this bag is not a toy”? (Well, actually in my youth it was a toy, along with an empty appliance box.) Is it because we are all dewy eyed cows in a pasture oblivious to the dangers that surround us? Or is there something sinister going on?

Gerald D. Skoning wrote in the American Spectator that, “Despite all the warnings in the marketplace, folks are injured, maimed, and even killed because of their own stupidity.” In the US, the most litigious society on earth, the rules of the government favour those hoping to make a quick buck. Companies have been sued successfully so many times for not having warning labels that they have to be overly-the-top-protective. To the point of parody.

On a package of children’s Benadryl, “avoid alcoholic drinks…be careful when driving a motor vehicle…if pregnant or breastfeeding…keep out of reach of children.” This is an antihistamine for children. A warning sticker on a Snow Flite (a plastic roll-up carpet sled): “Do not use on or near streets, roadways, driveways, sidewalks, near trees or obstacles, on steep slopes or icy conditions, serious injury or death could occur from these.” “No Taylor, inside on the living room floor. And put your helmet and goggles on. I don’t want to hear another peep about it.” 

If you’re able to read .005 mm type, on a Bic lighter you are warned: “Ignite lighter away from face and clothing.” Even in an electric drill manual we need to be reminded: “Do not use a power tool while you are tired or under the influence of drugs, alcohol or medication. A moment of inattention while operating power tools may result in serious personal injury.” 

For the rest of us who have a modicum of common sense, these warnings are sad. Skoning adds, “the seat belt alarms, door ajar buzzers, this vehicle-is-backing-up warning beepers, and the blizzard of warning labels are an insult to anyone with the IQ of a turnip.” [Let alone, a Daikon radish.] 

In product liability law, marketing defects, known as “failure to warn claims,” are among the most common types of claims brought against manufacturers and sellers. Warning labels are critical pieces of evidence making or breaking the outcome of a product liability case. You were almost suffocated when you were playing with the plastic bag? Sorry, we warned you. 

Manufacturers and sellers have a duty to warn. Not just to what might happen when someone uses their product properly but also to what might happen if someone doesn’t. On a box of Eddie matches: “Close box before striking.” The warning has to be specific about the potential risks and provide clear instructions on how to avoid them. “Do not use iron while wearing clothing.”

Those car sun shields that provide a privacy screen and protect your dashboard have a warning: “Do not drive with sun shield in place.” (I wish I read the warning before boarding the ferry one summer, it wasn’t pleasant.) In a court of law, “if misuse is foreseeable and not warned against, it may be considered a failure to warn.” Idiot proof. And the most ignored warning of all? On the box of Q-Tips: “Do not insert swab into ear canal.”

So, essentially manufacturers have to consider every conceivable, plausible, hare-brained, idiotic, stupid thing someone could do with their product and warn people accordingly. That’s insane. Consider the ubiquitous scrubby sponge. Warning! This is not a cosmetic applicator. Warning! This is not a toy. Do not leave with child unattended. Warning! Do not eat. Warning! Abrasive surface. Warning! Do not use as fire starter. Warning! May cause slippage when wet. Warning! Do not use as insulation. Warning! Choking hazard. Warning! This is not a flotation device. Warning! May contain crustaceans. 

We are a sorry lot. Not only do we have to be saved, coddled and protected from the dangers we encounter, we need to have our hand held every step of the way. We require detailed instructions on everything. My partner bought a “fashion scarf,” with these complimentary steps attached: “hold one corner of the scarf (a) and grab the middle. Wrap around your neck (b) and adjust as needed.” If those instructions were too complicated, illustrations were provided. You wonder how women were wearing the scarf before. Tucked in waist (c) and wrapped around left wrist (d) while tossed over right shoulder (e)? 

I bought a bird feeder the other day. Glad I read the “Filling Instructions” which helpfully reminded me to remove lid and then fill with seed and then replace lid and hang feeder. I would have been lost without those words of guidance. Now, where do I hang the feeder?

If it’s all about jackasses and liability, maybe we should just put this warning on everything: “Using while stupid may cause serious injury.”