Shucking Oysters: Be Cool, Stay Chill
By Alex Allen
We just bought a new refrigerator last week. The old one, sadly, was getting incontinent. We were lucky; it was manufactured in the early eighties and has been in our kitchen for well over 10 years. Classic, two-door model with light blue plastic panels; the only fridge on Hornby without a fridge magnet. The end of an era.
Hanging on the back of our new (now unwrapped) cobalt silver fridge, is this official Government of Canada Energuide tag, letting us know that we have an energy-efficient appliance. And in little tiny print: “Removal of this label before first retail purchase is an offence (SC 1992, c. 36)” as per the Energy Efficiency Act. No tampering with the label. Ever.
Under the Act, an inspector may seize and detain “any energy-using product or other thing” and “no person shall remove, alter or interfere with a thing seized and detained…but an inspector shall, at the request of the owner of the thing or the person who was in possession of it at the time of the seizure, allow that owner or person or any person authorized by that owner or person to examine the thing.” Say what? If you have the wrong thing, you can be fined up to $200,000. This thing is more than a thing, that’s why I put the Energuide tag underneath the mattress.
Stocking the new fridge was a breeze. What a difference. The look, the feel. In the old fridge, the dark produce drawers were the bane of our existence. Constantly bags and bags of compost treasures. Unidentified edible objects. Was this the zucchini that the neighbours gave us a month ago? Or the cucumber from what’s-his-name? Lettuce is the worst. And carrots. Now, we have see-through drawers with humidity controls. I didn’t know that leafy-green vegetables, like lettuce, broccoli and peppers, need a high humidity setting. And fruits and vegetables, like apples, pears, and avocados, should be stored at a low humidity setting. Well, we’ll see how that all plays out.
And then. Drum roll, please. After about an hour or so plugged in, my partner asks me whether I can hear a high-pitched sound from the new fridge. Please, dear, gawd, no. She then informs me that she will go insane if she has to listen to the buzz 24-7. I’m not so sensitive. Sure, I can hear the buzz, but I also suffer from daily intermittent humming in my ears, which sounds like the high/low up and down hum of a distant fog horn. (I have issues with noise from chainsaws, weed whackers, and helicopters.)
Maybe the fridge needs to settle, I wonder out loud. Was it our driveway? Is that what new refrigerators sound like? How would we know? We were stuck in the eighties. Ever diligent, I went on the computer and typed in “high-pitched noise from new Insignia fridge.” I ominously read a string of complaints. I said to my partner, you think the high-pitched noise is irritating, check this out.
Lisa wrote: “We also have a problematic sound with our fridge. Like the other commentator it sounds exactly like animals moaning or groaning. We ‘joke’ that our fridge is possessed. It is a very unpleasant sound, not faint, and not one we could live with. We just bought this fridge new.”
Kim replied: “Ha ha! At least I can now laugh at my new refrigerator. Mine sounds like a newborn calf calling for its mamma. I actually went outside earlier today expecting to see a cow in front of my house that had escaped from a nearby field. I was surprised to discover the source of the sound was my refrigerator. I just got it today, and I hope the sound is temporary.”
Another shared: “Mine also makes wounded animal in the night noises. At first it made me laugh because it sounds like an upset Star Wars character, but because it does contain a level of discomfort to its call, it turns out to be one of those noises, like a crying baby or a whimpering pup, that you biologically cannot ignore. So since I will never get used to this noise, I will go through the hassle of taking back this fridge.”
Please dear, gawd, no. Now, bloody what? Let’s give it a day. In bed that night, I tossed and turned, waiting for the plaintive cries of a cow stuck in our kitchen. It’s been over 24 hours now and the fridge has, thankfully, not morphed into making any primal sounds…yet. Many years ago in university, I had a fridge that used to squeal every couple of hours, but in a pleasurable way, which was both amusing and distracting.
During my research, I did discover that refrigerators have quite the vocal range. A brand new fridge can make over 17 different sounds in four dialects, even when all is normal, from a hum and a buzz to a squeal and a gurgle. So, I’m not going to fret over the baby owl that has taken residence in our fridge…everything is chill.
