Apology (Part 2)

August 24, 2023

APOLOGY (PART 2) Sally Campbell

When is it not a good idea to apologize?

It’s not a good idea to apologize when you don’t mean it. When you caused no offense, such as when someone bumps into you, and you say “sorry”, this is simply a verbal habit. In our household, we call this the “British Sorry”. It’s more about politeness than anything else. If you did participate in offending someone, but you feel the other is equally or more “to blame”, or perhaps you haven’t really thought it through, your apology may ring false. We need to be ready to stand “one down” to the person we’ve offended when we apologize; reaching this mindset can take some time of internal reckoning. Our habitual defense mechanisms may jump up first and try to reassure us it’s not really our fault or our problem. More often, both sides bear responsibility for what happened; it’s our challenge to specifically identify our part, name it and say we’re sorry, but only if we honestly are. It is not necessary to identify how the other helped create the mess we’re in, despite the temptation!

What’s wrong with demanding an apology?

As a mediator, I often heard: “You owe me an apology” from one side when in actuality, both parties felt they had been wronged in some way. A demand for an apology is like unilaterally telling another what gift you want to be given; it takes the offering, the generosity of spirit, out of it. A demand can create defensiveness and more distance. It can get you a false apology which is why children find it so offensive; they feel the hypocrisy of it.

Why does the person hold a grudge even after I’ve said that I’m sorry?

Calling it “holding a grudge” is judging and blaming the other for not immediately accepting our apology and getting on with it. Our western culture is (inter-personally) conflict-averse: we want to erase the wrong, start with a fresh slate, and carry on as if the offense didn’t happen. It did. Language and actions that we release into the world don’t get erased despite later remorse. This is called “the world of what is” (Ken Cloke). I learned by experience that it’s never ever too late to make amends for a wrong. I offended a boy in second grade by tripping him as he was making his way to the front of the class to talk about his trip to California. I was no doubt jealous, but that was no excuse. What a mean-spirited thing to do! I have no recollection of the event, but he told my husband of it at a high school reunion. So, about 60 years after the fact, I found his number, called him up and apologized; we had a great discussion. It cleared some psychic air, and he kindly forgave me.

Aaron Lazare makes clear in his book On Apology that really, apologizing is only the beginning of righting a wrong. It is not the end point. This idea has been helpful in our family. Questions such as: “What do I need to understand about this that I’m not getting?” “What would make you feel better about this?” “What else can you tell me about how this impacted you?” or “I can’t erase what happened, but what can I do about repair?” can help open a dialogue to an honest examination of unfinished business. We need to remember our habitual rush to fix things, and listen for the deeper rhythms of heartful communication. This is humbling work and can be hard. It teaches patience and models respect. Closure generally occurs when the

aggrieved person considers the matter resolved and is ready to forgive. Forgiveness is a whole other topic, and also something we can’t demand.

Does apologizing mean you are guilty of an offense?

BC enacted legislation on apology following that of California, essentially answering this question with a “no”. (Apologizing does not make you legally liable for an offense.) They did it because the offering of a genuine apology helps settle conflicts. Withholding that expression of remorse and responsibility creates more problems for the legal system.

Is the first one to apologize showing weakness?

A genuine apology models willingness to be vulnerable and accountable. It shows a person you care. It takes self-awareness, maturity and a certain amount of courage (heart) to humble yourself and say you’re sorry, how you were wrong, what you regret, what you have learned, and what you would like to do differently next time. And to listen to the one who’s been hurt and hear the impacts. That person, in my experience, will often offer up a recognition of their part in the misunderstanding, and you may even receive an apology back. These kinds of tough conversations deepen relationship by recognizing our shared and flawed humanity. Way back in the day, the pop culture movie “Love Story” featured a line: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” Actually, the exact reverse is true.

(Next time: Forgiveness)

Green Meets Gold

August 24, 2023

Green Meets Gold

by Mr. Unknown

The first rays of sunlight paint the tips of the trees.

Green meets gold.

Nature meets warmth,

Both extending.

The trees from their roots.

The sunlight from the sun.

From the sun to the earth.

Green meets gold.

Phoenix Riting! – August 24th, 2023

August 24, 2023

373174-phoenix-wallpaper-1920x1080-for-macbook — Phoenix Riting!

After six months of slowly building anticipation and preparation, the Hornby Festival is over. What an incredible trip it has been! Because of her mother’s passing, Festival Artistic Director Deirdre Atkinson was sadly unable to attend the final evening of the Festival, which happened to be the night I was opening. This was disappointing on a few levels, but Andrea Rutz did a fabulous job of standing in for Deirdre at the last minute and everything went perfectly smoothly. How unfortunate and sad! I met Granny Wendy several times; she was unfailingly gracious and kind. My deepest condolences to her family for their loss.

If, like me, you’ve never done it, let me walk you what it was like to perform at a festival like this. I had purchased an early bird pass, then learned that one of my perks was to get in free to all events. This was a sweet surprise! Of course, I was swiftly reimbursed. At shows, I said to the gatekeepers, “I’m on the list,” and they waved me in. Cool!

On Saturday, I showed up at the allotted time for sound check. They were still busy with the headline band, who had a lot of instruments and mics. Some band members were still straggling in from the ferry. And there he was! Alpha Yaya Diallo, Guinea-born Canadian icon, multiple Juno-winner and, at 78, looking much as he did twentyish years ago, when we last saw him at this Festival. Alpha and his band tinkled, thumped, tapped and twanged through soundcheck until all were satisfied. Then it was my turn to warble and plunk for Adrian Dolan and crew, which took no time at all for me and my guitar.

Soundcheck over at nearly six, I rushed home to get ready. While my entourage of family and friends joined the lineup, I swept past like a rockstar. I was ushered into a private green room, a spacious tent hung with bright draperies, comfily furnished and set with charcuterie-style snacks. I did the warmup taught by Angel and Denis at Blues Camp, then gazed out the open door at the trees, fields and sea. It was a perfect evening. Warm, not too hot, and the light was glorious.

I have performed quite a lot over time, but my venues have been small: cafes, local street festivals, open mics and the like. I busked one summer on the streets and parks of Nanaimo. I had a regularly monthly gig at a cafe in downtown Courtenay for a couple of years. I’ve performed as part of biggish variety shows, a song here or there. I once sang a capella to a hall full of people.

This was a whole new level of experience as a performer. To start, the sound quality on stage matters–a whole lot. A bad sound experience can make or break a show. Too much background noise, poor balance, inadequate monitors, a negligent sound person, all can change the pleasure of playing into painful stress.

Not on the Festival stage! The sound up there was so good. I could hear every nuance of both vocal and guitar, crystal clear, due to professional equipment and a brilliant sound crew headed by the incredible Adrian Dolan. Big kudos and wow to them! Another factor critical to the quality of a performance is the amount of energy generated by the quality attention focused on you. Attention bestows power. We say we ‘pay attention’ because attention has real value; it’s a form of currency. Playing for a receptive crowd is like being lifted in the water, the water flows and sweeps you along effortlessly.

I lost myself thusly in my first three songs, swept up by magic of crystalline sound and the uplifting force of quality attention.

It was over far too soon. I want to do it. more! I need to more practice managing that kind attention. When it was over, according to one friend, I rushed off the stage without taking time to acknowledge the applause. Tsk!

I have two shows coming up at Lerena Vineyard, which, though a very different scale from the Festival, is in my comfort zone! You’ll find me there on August 22nd and 29th, from 5:30 to 7:30. I mean to do this wherever and as much I can. If Alpha at 78 is any example, playing lots of music will keep me young and springy!

I did go to several shows and saw the local openers. They were all so good! I feel proud and honoured to be included among them. Jeff Rabena has a beautifully resonant baritone voice–explaining the mystery of how far down the beach he can be heard talking. As for Bex, this woman is a phenomenon, in a class of her own. It was a real treat to hear her original songs again. I was so touched and charmed by the original songs and skillful silver-and-gold harmonies of mother-daughter duo Schuyler Whitman and Alexandria Matthews. Each opener was different and all beautiful. I was sorry to miss Gord Bateman & Dana Inglis, and also Greg Madill, who gave me his new CD for my radio show.

That’s not even mentioning the headliners! Except for Alpha, I left after the first set of all the shows. It was a bit of a blur. Another year I will likely go to more events, but this year, I needed space. Now that it’s over, I am still floating. I hope never to land, though I naturally will.

Radio show note: The new mixer seems to be working at the CHFR radio studio. But it’s still peak summer! It’s hot in there and I am crazy busy. At this point, I will probably wait for the first week of September to restart the Songwriter Circle and the Album Hours. I have appreciated the break but I’m looking forward to being back in the studio.

That’s what I think! What do you think? email me at phoenixonhornby@gmail.com

Green Wizardries with Maxine Rogers

August 24, 2023

Green Wizardries, The Peach Harvest by Maxine Rogers

Denman and Hornby are not know for their lavish peach harvests but this could change. I thought it was too cold and too wet to cultivate peaches here but my husband was determined to try. He pointed out that several people on Denman have successful peach trees. All the successful peach trees were under cover in a greenhouse or tucked up against a wall with a roof overhang protecting them from the rain.

One woman had a peach tree that was partly under the greenhouse but some branches strayed into the open. The protected branches looked fine and had lovely fruit on them. The unprotected branches looked as if they had leprosy, they were so badly affected by peach-leaf curl. This provided an object lesson in the importance of overhead protection for peaches.

Now, some peaches are resistant to peach-leaf curl but resistance is not immunity. I suspect resistance will not help you much in a cold, wet year. That said, a friend on Hornby has a peach-leaf curl resistant tree on her farm and it did very well this year but this has been a very dry year.

So, my husband had a peach house built backing on to a building with a pretty good southern exposure. The roof is made from transparent panels of some sort of plastic and they are surprisingly expensive. However, they are quite sturdy and will last a long time.

I saw a nurseryman in Victoria who had built a house of studs with a peaked roof in his backyard and then covered the studs inside and out with the sort of plastic vapour barrier used in house construction. His nursery in this very inexpensive greenhouse was very productive so you could try that.

Our peach house is 10 feet wide and 14 feet long. We have two Frost peaches in there that we bought from Beulah Creek Nursery in 2020.

The first year, we removed all but a handful of the developing fruit to let the trees get established. The second year, we had a small but tasty harvest. This year, we got 55.5 pounds of peaches from our two little trees.

You may well ask, how did we keep the raccoons and birds from harvesting the peaches for us? We covered the building in the smallest gauge of chicken wire to prevent any wildlife getting in to sample our precious fruit. It has a door made of a wooden frame, covered with chicken wire. It is very sturdily built as peach trees should live a long time.

One problem with Frost peaches is that they bloom even before the cherry trees. Their blooms are a beautiful, rich pink but when they come out, no pollinators are flying. It is just too cold. So, each spring, I get a small ladder and a watercolour brush and spend a few hours over a couple of days, sitting on the ladder going from bloom to bloom pollinating them myself. I suspect other varieties of peach might bloom later and this might be something you want to take into account when purchasing peach trees.

You can grow peach trees from pits but this is sexual reproduction and the tree you get will be unique. It may or may not have nice fruit and a peach grown this way will get to be 20 feet tall or so. That is a lot of tree to try and keep under cover. Semi dwarf peach trees will grow 12 to 15 feet tall and up to 15 feet wide so dwarf trees might be easier to manage. Dwarf peaches only grow 8 to 10 feet tall.

Friends who have their peaches in greenhouses do very well and their peaches ripen earlier than ours. Our house can be adapted to become a greenhouse. This winter, I propose to built frames of light wood to fit the dimensions of the peach house walls. I will staple polyethylene sheets to the frames and then temporarily attach them to the peach house walls to ensure greater heat which peaches love. If we get another bad heat wave, I can take the panels off.

Using this form of cultivation, I believe it will be possible to grow nectarines and apricots too. Of course, you have to arrange for irrigation as the trees are totally protected from rain. I water our trees from a rain barrel with a hose under gravity feed. This takes a long time and gives me the time I need to recite some of the longer prayers I work with.

The trees also need to be fed. We covered all the weeds and grass on the floor of the peach house with heavy paper feed bags. We covered the bags with animal manure and hay from the barns. All of this mulch gets watered to provide the food the trees need. The trees are flourishing. I have done the same thing around the apple, pear and plum trees outside and they are benefiting from the extra feed.

The only problem with peaches cultivated in this way is that they ripen long before the Blackberry Fair and Hornby Island’s Fall Fair.

Letter to the Editor – JD McKee

August 24, 2023

Jeez, this whole thing is like a 1940’s movie about the upstanding journalist on a small newspaper facing extortion, threats, and even death threats from crooked, mob connected politicians, with outstanding fortitude. From the other side, it is also a virtue signalling spiral to the bottom while treasuring victimhood, but as always, not from the alleged victims, but from otherwise unaffected “allies”.

I looked, but could not find what started this in your paper. I cannot imagine from what I have seen that it was anything remotely objectionable.

On the other hand, the letter you published from someone threatening you is nothing short of extortion.

Also, nepotism seems to be involved, as well as wrongful dismissal from someone at Denman Works. Well, that is what is being written in public anyway.

Keith, you rock. Keep up the integrity of the Fifth Estate. I don’t care if you run this or not but you can damn well put my name on it if you do.

JD McKee

Letter to the Editor – Teresa Clinton

August 24, 2023

Dear Sir,

I have supported your journalistic right to publish conflicting views in your publication through all the strife of the pandemic, no matter how vigorously I oppose some of those views.

However your bad tempered rant in the August 10 grapevine was way beyond any journalistic propriety. You have used your position to attack an individual who disagrees with you in a public forum after you were sent a personal email. That is not journalism, its vindictiveness. Also bringing her partner into this mudslinging is completely inappropriate.

What a disappointment to those of us who have continued to support the Grapevine.

Most sincerely,

Theresa Clinton.

So, you’d rather we’d brought this matter up with the police? – Ed.

Letter to the Editor – Steve Christensen

August 24, 2023

An open letter to Bronwyn Schuster, regarding “Aug 10th Grapevine Article – Threats, Lies, and Misuse of Public Funds”

You tossed a bomb into the community on Facebook and then you’ve hidden behind blocked comments. This isn’t about who’s opinion is the “correct” one, whether it’s yours, mine or anyone else’s. It’s about your actions. You chose to use your position, which includes disbursement of public funds, to go after people who hold a different personal opinion than you. I think this is about as toxic and damaging to a democratic community as it can get.

I am a member of the LGBTQ+ community and so I have some sensitivity to certain issues. I don’t get triggered by people having opinions on these topics; in fact I welcome and respect them and I welcome hard discussions with people whose ideas are different from mine. I like to think that is what a free and open society is about.

You did something that I think is very egregious and damaging. At the very least you should consider expanding your critical thinking so that you’re not so easily triggered into committing such unprofessional acts as lashing out and cancelling others simply because they hold an opinion that is challenging to you (not to mention committing libel by publicly accusing someone of being a transphobe with no supporting evidence). If you can’t do that then I fully support the Grapevine’s call for you to resign from all positions that give you authority over disbursing public funds.

The Grapevine doesn’t need a “sensitivity reader”. Maybe a better approach would be for people to learn to think for themselves and develop the critical thinking skills that seem to be in such short supply these days. I am willing and available to speak to this situation in person.

Steve Christensen

Letter to the Editor – Hersh Chernovsky

August 24, 2023

Compensation Policy BC Ferries

If you incur out-of-pocket expenses due to a sailing delay or cancellation within our control, on a sailing you booked, that prevented you from reaching your destination on your planned day of travel, you may submit a request for compensation and reimbursement. This also applies for customers who have received a ticket/boarding pass at the terminal to travel on one of our non-bookable routes where alternate travel is not available.

We review requests for reasonable expenses that qualify within our guidelines. Itemized receipts along with tickets or refund receipts for attempted travel are required. If confirmed, we will send a reimbursement to the email address provided with electronic payment options.

Customers with bookings that are cancelled without being moved to or accommodated on an alternate sailing will be fully refunded (reservation fee and fares) and will be provided a complimentary voucher for future ferry travel. Customers with bookings for standard and oversize vehicles will receive one (1) BC Ferries travel voucher for a standard vehicle and driver per cancelled booking on any route between Vancouver Island and the Mainland. Customers with foot passenger bookings will receive one (1) BC Ferries Adult Passenger voucher per passenger booked.

Two things to note re: BC Ferries when it comes to compensation; it only applies “on a sailing you booked!” Even if they’re at fault, and the ferry does not leave on time. What’s not said is that if you rode a 6:35 pm ferry out of Horseshoe Bay last winter, arriving in Nanaimo at 8:15 pm, BC Ferries is of the opinion that you cannot make the last ferry at 9:30 pm from Buckley Bay to Denman on time. As such, you are not entitled to compensation. So much for their vaunted claim that they’re turning over a new leaf.

Hersh

Emergencies Area ‘A’ – Daniel Arbour

August 24, 2023

We can all protect our communities by being prepared for emergencies

This summer many local governments across BC and Canada have faced major wildfires, evacuations, and emergency management situations, and the trend will be escalating risks in the future. I have heard all summer from residents, especially on Hornby and Denman, about concerns and anxiety as we enter this new world of high heat and dryness. Through the CVRD, we are lucky to have excellent and dedicated volunteer fire departments in all 5 communities in Area A, a professional and competent emergency management staff to rely on for the whole Comox Valley, and local emergency volunteer committees. We also have plans in place for emergency situations.

For example, recently we completed the first emergency mass evacuation guidelines for Denman and Hornby islands – plans that would help coordinate and guide our evacuation approach in a catastrophic event. On an ongoing basis, the most important thing we can do in all of our Area A communities is prevention: including not taking risks and deep care year-round with fires; fire smarting our properties and homes; and being prepared in case of a major earthquake or long power outage. I do hope we never have to face the sort of situations places like Yellowknife, Kelowna, Salmon Arm, Hawaii, and so many other places have faced this summer, but we need to adjust our mindset to a new risk profile with drier summer and more intense storms in winter on the coast. Never hesitate to contact your local fire department for free advice on how to fire smart your property and home, or reach out to me if you have questions as we continue to build out strong emergency policies and procedures both regionally and locally.

Daniel Arbour, CVRD Area A Director

reachme@danielarbour.ca

250.650.8480

Sugar Daddy

August 24, 2023

March 23rd, 2007

Sugar Daddy

Well fuck! I think I may have a problem. My generosity coupled with a poor grasp of the word ‘NO’ is going to give me difficulties. There is this guy named Jerry, who is grinding me… hard. He arrived last week and, as everyone else new to these parts, without tobacco. What became the occasional request for a smoke has become a regularity. As I’ve written on this topic before, Jerry has spoken of impending monies coming his way. He initially told me of how he had helped out ‘buddies’ up in the dorms with tobacco. I suspect that in doing so he was trying to infer that, despite his need from me, he usually has the shoe on the other foot. He’s my peer, ‘don’t you know?’ But, save for his current tobacco dilemma buddies up in the main dorm are getting him back tonight. Well, that was last week. No sooner had he established this narrative, he returned from gym that night without being reimbursed. Oh well, having already broke the ‘bumming’ ice, he was one day closer to canteen and ‘would I mind shooting him another smoke.’ After all, what goes around, comes around. It’s not like he hasn’t been the one to help out a buddy in red. Peers! I say.

So come canteen, he had effectively run me down to my last smoke. Failing his buddies reimbursing his generosity, he has now taken to filling my ears with how he’s anticipating a tax return, PST and GST cheques and BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. First of all, he is wearing red. I’ve only been here 68 days now but I gather that the colour of his wardrobe means he is in jail. While I doubt he’s here because he failed to file his tax return, I also question if the reason he’s my peer has anything to do with having a job at all. At least one with a taxable income anyways. I mean, come on! Most of the guys here are crack or meth addicts. ‘Fall downs’ as they are referred to. Guys who’ve messed up to such an extent that they’ve nobody on the outs who can lend a hand or, more specifically, lend some money. But thank God for the government monies imminently coming their way for all the hard work they’ve done smoking crack! I’ve simply heard too many stories from too many guys to not just wax over as the latest tale gets spun. It’s delivered often in attempts to build a bond. Absolution from being pegged as a grinder through ‘sharing.’ But it’s increasingly apparent that it is purely for the sake of getting the smoke. As for the next smoke, we’ll cross that bridge or spin the next yarn as we come to it. So shortsighted is the vision with such a game, but Jerry just takes it that much further. His energy and his look do nothing for me. I simply was being helpful in the course of feeling him out, but now I’m thinking that I’m getting felt up!

As last week’s canteen drew nearer, I showed Jerry incrementally greater reluctance to fulfil his requests for help as I was trying to establish without saying so much that I can’t be his steady grind. Thankfully canteen arrived, as his ability to take my broad hinting was nil. A fair number of the guys here come to me on Tuesday, and especially Wednesday for similar aid as it is but they don’t go to the well with abandon. Abusing the willingness to help can be a fine line.

Going outside for a smoke on Tuesday and Wednesday is more of an exercise in averting the wanting eyes of those looking for the last pull of your cigarette than smoking the thing itself. It can become uncomfortable, really. You begin to go to the farther reaches of the smoking pit and develop a hard look to yourself just to have one on your own. But this just compels the needy to have to make greater efforts to get what they seek. Like taking more footsteps to approach you and scaling the wall that you erect in obvious defence of what you don’t wish to share. Desperation, or inability to establish any willpower, obliterates any and all decorum for these tobacco-less souls.

Now it must be said that Jerry did reimburse me six tailor made cigarettes come canteen, so I couldn’t begrudge him that. But what I managed to see in him and his approach has got me leery. Like I say, his energy seems off to me. I feel as though he is keeping his eye on me and I don’t care for it. I don’t see much to go on with him given his disregard of boundaries most others would respect. It just seems one-dimensional. He’s hurting for tobacco and I have tobacco. Our common bond is that we both wear red. That’s it. Beyond this, his stories of money or returned favours are purely to help ease my grip on what is mine, and what he desires. It certainly is not a means to furthering our bond. No camaraderie has, or will be struck upon with such dalliance. Having not gotten the gist of my subtle coaching over my dwindling reserves only compels me to freeze him out. He did, as I say, return to me some smokes but as I had given him tailor mades, he had to return to me the same. I didn’t tell him that was what I expected and the cost of them is far more expensive than the already prohibitive cost of a pouch of tobacco. Especially on our wages. And only more so for a new guy who talks of incoming monies that haven’t arrived yet.

So the egg with the flat end creeps over to its rounded edge once more. Everyone has tobacco, debts are honoured, everything is good… or ought to be. Yesterday afternoon I ask Jerry in passing, “how’s it going?” To which he replies,“not bad.” I counter, “better with tobacco, eh?” And his response is that he’s almost out already! Seems he had a few others he needed to repay. Lord only knows at $7.75/pack, how many packs his $14.10/week salary can afford, but after giving me 30% of the pack he had in his hand, I’d venture to say not more than the pack I saw in his hand. I don’t know. It’s this ability in rudimentary math that I picked up somewhere along the way! This set alarm bells to ringing in my head. We’re talking about the day AFTER canteen. The rate at which he’s hit me up for help tells me he carries at least a ‘pack-a-day’ habit. And this is to say nothing of the help he’s sought from others. With the fingers I exercise my math skills upon outnumbering the remaining smokes in Jerry’s pack I can see he can’t afford it. His consumption outstrips his means. If I don’t conjure up an ability to shut down this notion of his (that I’m his sugar daddy), I’ll be his, well… sugar daddy. That much I can’t afford!