My mother was my first teacher in conscious dying. Her courage, her faith and her absolute trust in the process was an inspiration. In her final days she remained present to every little nuance of the process; the pain in her body, the love in her heart, the expectancy of the relief that lay ahead, the joy of, “meeting her Maker” and her grief.
It was a collision of sorrow and beauty. She took me with her into the liminal space between worlds and I was spellbound.
On her last day she wept as she said, “I’m not afraid to die dear, I just don’t want to say goodbye.”
Nobody wants to say goodbye to everything they’ve ever known. It’s difficult to leave this rich and wonderful life. That’s why we must practice the Art of Dying now, today. Dying well takes practice.
Mother’s death inspired me to create Sacred Crossings to help change the culture of death and dying. I wanted to nudge people out of fear, dread and denial into an informed and peaceful surrender. That was twenty years ago. Although things are slowly changing, most of the people I ‘m called to visit on their death bed still haven’t given dying much thought. When they realize the end is inevitable, now, the shock and grief overwhelm them which causes great suffering.
Our pain is physical but our suffering is mental. Pain can almost always be mitigated with pain medication but people still die suffering. They are tormented by unexamined thoughts, feelings and beliefs about death and the dying process. This creates anxiety, exacerbates pain and incurs heavy sedation which disconnects them from the actual dying process.
So what can we do?
We can face and embrace our dying today and examine what might be lurking in the unconscious mind and We can apply skills and practices in our everyday life that will help us accept, allow and surrender to allow us a conscious dying without suffering. We can build our courage by facing our fears and embracing ‘not knowing’. We can open our being to receive our death with arms outstretched. Willing and ready for whatever is next.
When we give birth we make a birth plan outlining our wishes for how we want to be treated. We find a birth doula to support us through the process and give us tools to relax and surrender to the process. When we know we are dying, we need to make a death plan and find a death doula to help us ‘put our things in order,’ and help us relax and surrender so we can die peacefully.
I believe if everyone supported three close friends or relatives on their dying journey we would be less fearful about our own dying and begin to embrace death as birth, with excited anticipation. Anyone can be the death doula for a loved-one with just a little education.
Please join me for a free talk about this important subject.
June 1, 1pm – 3pm in the Backhall
“To die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly. Death of one’s own free choice, death at the proper time, with a clear head and with joyfulness, consummated in the midst of children and witnesses: so that an actual leave-taking is possible while he who is leaving is still there”’― Friedrich Nietzsche’’
Olivia is an ordained inter-faith minister, death doula, home funeral guide and celebrant. She is founder of Sacred Crossings, The Institute for Conscious Dying and the Sacred Crossings Alternative Funeral Home. For more information, please visit: Sacredcrossings.com