Willy had always liked the taste of metal. It was cold and hard and unchewable. He couldn’t remember when the notion came to him that there were special nutrients in the metal that he should eat, but once it took hold his urge to eat metal was overwhelming.
The first thing he swallowed was his father’s silver wrist watch. He swished it around in his mouth for some time while gathering saliva. Willy chewed it a bit out of habit before he attempted to swallow it. The watch got stuck in his oesophagus and he gagged until he turned blue and almost gave up until he found a chopstick in with the utensils and pushed it down.
That evening at dinner his father complained loudly, “Has anybody seen my wrist watch? I haven’t seen it for days.” Willy quietly laughed, “I’ve swallowed time,” he told himself.
Willy knew it was probably a mistake to eat his mother’s wedding ring, but there it was by her bedside sitting in its little pink velvet box. It went down easy and traveled well through his twenty-two feet of intestine.
Eventually he was able to fish the watch and the ring out of the toilet. He gave them a good rinse and then ate them again.
He started eating silverware; mostly small forks and spoons. He tried a butter knife but it got stuck and he had a heck of a time retrieving it; there was some blood.
He noticed that his stomach began to swell out like a pot bellied pig. He liked the feel of it, although it hurt, all of the time. He found that if he rubbed his belly he felt better, so he began to rub his belly constantly like it was Alladin’s lamp.
His only friend at school was a boy named Alphonso that nobody liked because he smelled terrible and had the sweatiest flesh you could imagine. Shaking Alphonso’s hand was like ringing out a dishcloth.
One day, out in the playground after he found a small nail from an adjacent construction site he decided to let Alphonso in on his secret. “Hey Alphonso, you probably don’t know this, but eating metal is good for you. There are an amazing amount of nutrients.”
“You talking crazy Willy, you eat metal it’s gonna kill you.”
“Nope, not true, I’ve been eating metal for some time and I feel great. I ate my Dad’s wrist watch and my mother’s wedding ring.”
“You are a crazy guy Willy.”
“Watch me eat this nail, Alphonso.”
“Don’t eat that Willy, that is a rusty nail.”
“Got to do it,” Willy swallowed the nail. It burned all the way down.
“Willy, you are a crazy person!” RING! RING! The school bell went.
“Don’t tell anybody Alphonso.”
“You eat a rusty nail Willy, you are a crazy person.”
After school Willy’s parents were in the parking lot sitting in the woody station wagon with the engine running. As Willy approached Willy’s Dad got out of the station wagon. “Get in Willy,” his Dad opened the back door. “But I usually take the bus home, Dad.” Off in the distance Willy could see Alphonso scurrying off of the school grounds towards the bus stop with his head down.
“That rat fink,” Willy muttered and got in.
After he got his stomach pumped Willy ended up in the psych ward. He was the youngest person on the fourth floor. He met some interesting characters. His new best friend was a heavy set bald man named Sebastian who told Willy he had tried eating metal when he was younger and understood the urge but had switched from metal to an addiction to crack cocaine.
“I’d almost wish I’d stayed with metal Willy, because crack addiction is a terrible way to live but as soon as I get back out on the street I know I will go straight to it.”
“Why Sebastian?”
“It’s the only thing that makes me happy.”
“Eating metal makes me happy,” said Willy. A pimply-faced young woman with thick long strands of brown hair on her face named Claire Bush was eavesdropping on their conversation and gave them a big smile and began to sing, “If it makes you happy it can’t be that bad…” Together all three of them began to sing the popular song until they had the whole floor singing along.
