Shucking Oysters: The Divided States of America
By Alex Allen
American politics have always fascinated me. Watching the Democrat National Convention was, dare I say it, more entertaining and exciting than the Oscars. Hillary. Bill. Barack. Michelle. Oprah. Ben. Dave. Julia. One democrat after another came out on the stage and kicked ass. Trump’s to be specific. Between chant’s of “we’re not going back” and the word “joy” repeated over and over, the feeling of hope was palpable. It was joyful. It was full of love.
The kicks began with Hillary Clinton: “Kamala locked up murderers and drug traffickers…Donald Trump fell asleep at his own trial – and when he woke up, he made his own kind of history: the first person to run for president with 34 felony convictions.”
Barack Obama, known for his flowing discourse, described Trump as “a 78-year-old billionaire who hasn’t stopped whining…who sees power as a means to his end, put ‘other’ people in their place – an act that has gotten pretty stale.” He even made a dick joke, then got serious: “We do not need four more years of bluster and bumbling and chaos. We have seen that movie before, and we all know the sequel is usually worse. America is ready for a better story.”
Michelle Obama didn’t hold back either, calling Trump an entitled grifter who “demeans and cheapens our politics, demonizing others,” which “only makes us small.” “Who’s going to tell him the job he’s currently seeking might just be one of those ‘Black jobs’?” she taunted.
It couldn’t get worse for “Lord Little Hands,” a man who has issues with humiliation and not being adored, in other words, a narcissist. Trump responded during his rally in North Carolina, “Did you see Barack Hussein Obama last night? He was taking shots at your president. And so was Michelle.” On Fox News, in response to hearing Harris “having some success” with women, Hispanic and Black voters, the “Vulgar Talking Yam” objected. “She’s not having success; I’m having success,” he said. “I’m doing great with the Hispanic voters, doing great with Black men, I’m doing great with women.”
Before hand-on-heart, running mate Minnesota Governor Tim Walz left the convention stage, he looked straight at his family in the audience and declared, “Hope, Gus and Gwen, you are my entire world, and I love you” while his tearful 17-year-old son Gus, overcome with emotion, stood up and shouted, “That’s my dad!” It was a deeply moving moment. But to the Republicans, it was “pathetic,” “embarrassing,” to see his “stupid crying son” and “blubbering bitch boy” honour his father. From I Heart radio host Jay Weber: “If the Walz’s represent today’s American man, this country is screwed.” And single and childless, “puckered and petulant” Ann Coulter, “Talk about weird…”
Talk about disgusting. Some apologized, slightly, once they learned that Walz had openly talked about Gus having a nonverbal learning disability, which affects a person’s spatial-visual skills. Radio host Weber was fired even after issuing a pathetic apology. But it was too late to even remotely redeem themselves. “I can see why a child loving their parents would feel foreign to you,” former Republican strategist, Rick Wilson, told Coulter, adding that she “will die alone, and forensic pathologists will discover her withered corpse is nothing but Marlboro reds and box wine.” Ouch.
During Harris’s 38-minute speech, the “Orange Cheato” fired off more than 50 posts on his Truth Social account. From the top, he immediately criticized how Harris approached the podium, saying “too many ‘Thank yous,’ too rapidly said, what’s going on with her?” A minute later he shared that her running mate “was an ASSISTANT Coach, not a COACH.” Later, “She talked about the Rule of Law but, as Border Czar, she allowed 20 Million people into our Country, many of them Criminals, who are MAIMING and KILLING our people!” The “Tangerine Tinted Trash-Can Fire” ended his staccato tweets with: “There will be no future under Comrade Kamala Harris, because she will take us into a Nuclear World War III! She will never be respected by the Tyrants of the World!”
Yes, Kamala still gratuitously smiles at one and all, but I also witnessed the tough prosecutor, something I have not seen before. “Just imagine Donald Trump with no guard rails and how he would use the immense powers of the presidency of the United States,” she told the DNC. “Not to improve your life, not to strengthen our national security, but to serve the only client he has ever had: himself.” One pundit gushed, “People watching were like, where has that amazing person been for the last couple of years?”
In recent days, the “Angry Creamsicle” has taken to social `media to label Harris a “communist” and a “crooked radical left political” figure, accusing her of leading the country toward what he describes as a “Communist, Crime Ridden Garbage Dump.” But, the biggest news for “Sir Liesalot” had less to do with him and more to do with Robert Kennedy Jr, the controversial independent who ended his campaign and endorsed Trump, right after the convention.
Two days later, business as usual, “Sphincter Mouth” tweeted: “Who is negotiating for us in the Middle East? Bombs are dropping all over the place! Sleepy Joe is sleeping on a Beach in California, viciously Exiled by the Democrats, and Comrade Kamala is doing a campaign bus tour with Tampon Tim, her really bad V.P.” (Last year Walz signed a bill that gives public school students in Minnesota access to free menstrual products, like tampons and pads.)
And JD Vance? As a reporter wondered, how does he make room in his mouth for so many feet?
