Everyone likes a cuddle. And in the same vein as spanks, now we can pay for cuddles. This simple touching action can lower our blood pressure and enhance a sense of well-being. Not quite as popular as sex therapy, the business of cuddles is definitely expanding. In particular, one niche market, your cuddle therapist could weigh 1,200 pounds. Forget about old-school petting zoos, now we have boutique cuddling farms. 

At Lester’s Farm Chalet in St. John’s, Newfoundland, Chloe, a working dairy Guernsey cow also freelances as a cuddling therapist in her part time. “She’s probably one of the kinder cows I’ve met,” said Sophia Vallis, one of the farm workers. “She’s super kind, super gentle.” Everything you want in a therapist, I’d say. 

Jim Lester moved into the cow cuddling business last summer and has never looked back. For a mere $20, the 20-minute time slots have been sold out ever since. “They’re really amazed by a cow’s demeanour, and just being around these big, gentle creatures,” Lester said. “What a feeling it gives them, a sense of relaxation.” It’s a small business boost for the farm, but Lester also said it’s nice to see people reconnect with nature, and animals, in a novel way.

Cows are a great way to reconnect with the earth. “They’re probably a bit underappreciated for what they can offer the human soul,” he said. “Cows are one of the older domesticated livestock species… They’ve been around humans a long time.” Since the increased traffic from starstruck cow cuddlers, Chloe seems to be thriving, Vallis said. Chloe and the other cows get their therapy from the attention as well. “A lot of our cows here are very used to people,” she added. “They enjoy being with people, and they really love the treats. The treats are their favourite part.”

In Pennsylvania, Rose Bridge Farm & Sanctuary, home to many rescued animals, offers cuddle animal husbandry sessions with baby cows. Closed toe shoes only they warn, as “the cows are sweet, but they are big babies, so you must be careful and mindful.” A private cuddle session for two is only US$58. Cows are very sweet, affectionate animals that love to kiss and cuddle. Lest you be concerned with seeing this as form of animal abuse, the Sanctuary reminds visitors: “Please keep in mind this is not a petting zoo and that the needs and desires of the animal residents always come first.”  

If cows are not your cuddle ideal, there are baby goat cuddling sessions. This is a little different kind of therapy; shades of EST. The baby goats will be jumping on your back and when they finally get tired, they may fall asleep in your arms. Or perhaps baby lamb and piglet cuddling, for those leaning towards a more mellower approach to cuddle therapy. 

Helpers of Our Farm, in North Carolina, offers cow hugging as well. For US$75, two guests can hang out with a cow, goat, or pig. For the more frugal, or possibly intimidated types, 30-minutes sessions with a rabbit, chicken, turkey or duck are available at much lower rates. I can’t quite see how hugging a turkey would be therapeutic, except maybe in apology after Thanksgiving.

As always, Japan manages to take it to the next level. A pig cafe. At Tokyo’s Mipig Cafe, diners can schmooze with miniature pigs who trot around the cafe aimlessly looking for a soft lap to cuddle up on.

Customers pay US$15 for the first 30 minutes and a reservation is required. 

“Each pig is unique. You may notice one may be strong-headed and another may be gentle,” said Shiho Kitagawa, an executive at Mipig who refers to the pigs as “buta-san,” in honour of the pig fighting video action game. The Mipig Cafe is one of 10 pig cafes Kitagawa has opened around Japan. The first one opened in Tokyo in 2019 and two more are in the works at the end of this year.

Known as “micro pigs,” they don’t get much bigger than a corgi, even as adults. The cafes also feature baby pigs the size of toy poodles. And if spending half an hour is not enough, you can adopt one for about US$1,350 – toilet-trained and socialized. 

The pig cafes are the latest in a series of animal coffee shops that have popped up in Japan, including ones that feature owls, hedgehogs, birds and even snakes. Naturally, some people have raised ethical questions about whether the animals enjoy the experience as much as the humans. “It must be stressful to be touched and fondled by a bunch of strangers,” said Sachiko Azuma, head of Tokyo-based PEACE, which stands for Put an End to Animal Cruelty and Exploitation.

Most of the pig cafes tended to be tiny and didn’t provide enough of a natural environment for the animals, Azuma said. She does approve of cafes run by shelters trying to find owners for abandoned pets, however.

We all know the gift that animals have – the ability to help us humans relax and heal. Everyone has stress and each of us have different avenues in relieving that stress. Studies have consistently shown that cuddling and connecting with animals increases our oxytocin, “the love, cuddle, and bonding” hormone. But if that’s not your thing, I’ve heard rumours about a company opening up in the Valley, called Cuddles, Squeezes and Kicks, from a woman and her pet donkey, Muriel.

Shucking Oysters: Be Cool, Stay Chill

By Alex Allen

We just bought a new refrigerator last week. The old one, sadly, was getting incontinent. We were lucky; it was manufactured in the early eighties and has been in our kitchen for well over 10 years. Classic, two-door model with light blue plastic panels; the only fridge on Hornby without a fridge magnet. The end of an era.

Hanging on the back of our new (now unwrapped) cobalt silver fridge, is this official Government of Canada Energuide tag, letting us know that we have an energy-efficient appliance. And in little tiny print: “Removal of this label before first retail purchase is an offence (SC 1992, c. 36)” as per the Energy Efficiency Act. No tampering with the label. Ever.

Under the Act, an inspector may seize and detain “any energy-using product or other thing” and “no person shall remove, alter or interfere with a thing seized and detained…but an inspector shall, at the request of the owner of the thing or the person who was in possession of it at the time of the seizure, allow that owner or person or any person authorized by that owner or person to examine the thing.” Say what? If you have the wrong thing, you can be fined up to $200,000. This thing is more than a thing, that’s why I put the Energuide tag underneath the mattress. 

Stocking the new fridge was a breeze. What a difference. The look, the feel. In the old fridge, the dark produce drawers were the bane of our existence. Constantly bags and bags of compost treasures. Unidentified edible objects. Was this the zucchini that the neighbours gave us a month ago? Or the cucumber from what’s-his-name? Lettuce is the worst. And carrots. Now, we have see-through drawers with humidity controls. I didn’t know that leafy-green vegetables, like lettuce, broccoli and peppers, need a high humidity setting. And fruits and vegetables, like apples, pears, and avocados, should be stored at a low humidity setting. Well, we’ll see how that all plays out.

And then. Drum roll, please. After about an hour or so plugged in, my partner asks me whether I can hear a high-pitched sound from the new fridge. Please, dear, gawd, no. She then informs me that she will go insane if she has to listen to the buzz 24-7. I’m not so sensitive. Sure, I can hear the buzz, but I also suffer from daily intermittent humming in my ears, which sounds like the high/low up and down hum of a distant fog horn. (I have issues with noise from chainsaws, weed whackers, and helicopters.)

Maybe the fridge needs to settle, I wonder out loud. Was it our driveway? Is that what new refrigerators sound like? How would we know? We were stuck in the eighties. Ever diligent, I went on the computer and typed in “high-pitched noise from new Insignia fridge.” I ominously read a string of complaints. I said to my partner, you think the high-pitched noise is irritating, check this out. 

Lisa wrote: “We also have a problematic sound with our fridge. Like the other commentator it sounds exactly like animals moaning or groaning. We ‘joke’ that our fridge is possessed. It is a very unpleasant sound, not faint, and not one we could live with. We just bought this fridge new.” 

Kim replied: “Ha ha! At least I can now laugh at my new refrigerator. Mine sounds like a newborn calf calling for its mamma. I actually went outside earlier today expecting to see a cow in front of my house that had escaped from a nearby field. I was surprised to discover the source of the sound was my refrigerator. I just got it today, and I hope the sound is temporary.”

Another shared: “Mine also makes wounded animal in the night noises. At first it made me laugh because it sounds like an upset Star Wars character, but because it does contain a level of discomfort to its call, it turns out to be one of those noises, like a crying baby or a whimpering pup, that you biologically cannot ignore. So since I will never get used to this noise, I will go through the hassle of taking back this fridge.” 

Please dear, gawd, no. Now, bloody what? Let’s give it a day. In bed that night, I tossed and turned, waiting for the plaintive cries of a cow stuck in our kitchen. It’s been over 24 hours now and the fridge has, thankfully, not morphed into making any primal sounds…yet. Many years ago in university, I had a fridge that used to squeal every couple of hours, but in a pleasurable way, which was both amusing and distracting. 

During my research, I did discover that refrigerators have quite the vocal range. A brand new fridge can make over 17 different sounds in four dialects, even when all is normal, from a hum and a buzz to a squeal and a gurgle. So, I’m not going to fret over the baby owl that has taken residence in our fridge…everything is chill.