*SATIRE
The Crisis of Too Much Compassion By Cylon2036. We/Us
It has come to our attention that food banks and affordable housing initiatives are gravely undermining the moral backbone of our society. How can we expect citizens to build character when they are being recklessly sustained by groceries and shelter?
Food banks, in particular, are a menace. Once upon a time, hunger was a motivational speaker. An empty stomach whispered, “Innovate.” It growled, and howled, “Launch a podcast.” But now? People are simply handed canned beans and rice, and the entire entrepreneurial spirit collapses under the oppressive weight of lentils.
And affordable housing? A catastrophe! Historically, rent functioned as a thrilling monthly lottery to decide whether you pay for shelter or electricity? What an invigorating civic ritual! Affordable housing erases this suspense. By making rent predictable, we are robbing citizens of the adrenaline rush that keeps our world vibrant.
Worse still, these programs foster stability. Stability leads to rest. Rest leads to reflection. Reflection leads to criticism. Before you know it, people are asking dangerous questions like, “Why is housing so expensive?” or “Should children eat every day?” This is clearly a slippery slope toward coherence.
Opponents will argue that food banks prevent hunger and affordable housing reduces housing insecurity, but they ignore the broader philosophical concerns. If basic needs are met, what will people strive for? Without the inspirational poetry of precarity, how will we measure grit? If everyone has shelter, how will we distinguish the deserving from the merely breathing?
No, we must be bold. Replace food banks with inspirational pamphlets titled Have You Tried Budgeting Harder? Replace affordable housing projects with competitive rent auctions where tenants pitch their personal brand to landlords. Hunger and eviction should not be seen as problems, because they are premium motivational incentives that warm the neediest with the blanket of their own struggle.
In conclusion, let us stand firm against the reckless tide of nourishment and roofs. A society that feeds and houses its people risks something far more dangerous than poverty, and that is comfort. And from comfort, there is a risk that other radical ideas might sprout if the housing crisis and food insecurity are solved.
You’re welcome!
