Shucking Oysters: Not Coming to a Theatre Near You

Shucking Oysters: Not Coming to a Theatre Near You

By Alex Allen

As if the book wasn’t enough; now we have the film. Watch as she orchestrates and navigates with expertise. See exclusive footage of critical meetings, private conversations and “never-before-seen environments.” Yes, the world will be given an “unprecedented, behind-the-scenes look” into the riveting 20 days leading up to the 2025 Presidential Inauguration through the steely eyes of Melania. 

The documentary MELANIA (yes, in all caps), is set to premiere by reservation only in 1,400 theatres in 27 countries on January 30. After a day of threatening the “governor of Canada” with 100% tariffs, defending another fatal shooting in Minnesota, Trump attended a private White House screening over the weekend that Melania hosted for family and close friends, like former boxer Mike Tyson. Guests got Melania shwag: framed Melania screening tickets, black and white cookies bearing her name, a limited-edition version of her book, Melania, and commemorative black and white Melania popcorn boxes. Snacks included black and white M&Ms, black and white chocolate-covered pretzels, black and white macaroons and a huge display of white cake pops. All this for what one described as “a remake of Pretty Woman only with vile people and an unhappy ending.” 

The vanity project, for which Jeff Bezos’ Amazon paid a staggering $40 million – the largest documentary deal in history –  is expected to bomb horribly in theatres worldwide. The film, which has already spent $35 million over and above in marketing, may barely pull in $5 million this opening weekend. 

The night before the world premiere, Donald and Melania will be attending a red-carpet event at the Trump-Kennedy Center in Washington. Donald gushed weeks before that “Everybody – Wayne Gretzky and his wife … everybody wants tickets.” The following day, 21 invitation-only concurrent screenings will happen across the US, including Minneapolis. Reports say Jeff Bezos has ordered Amazon executives to physically attend the premieres, not to celebrate the success, but to create the illusion of support. Sadly, no showings up in Canada. We’ll just have to wait for it on Prime Video.

The trailer truly says it all. Like some James Bond parody it starts with the first lady getting out of a limo, sporting a pair of black stiletto boots, and then over to the East Wing residence where she stands in her “stunning white and black inaugural ball gown” and smiles at the camera. The film highlights her bold fashion choices, diplomatic engagements and Secret Service protection operations. One gripping scene cuts to Melania asking for security detail, “Is it safe?” with the agent replying, “It is safe,” before cutting to sirens and a motorcade driving through a city. 

The trailer then ends with Melania coyly calling “Mr. President” to say “congratulations.” “Did you watch it?” Trump asks over the phone. “I did not. Yeah, I will see it on the news,” Melania cryptically responds. Selecting that particular exchange as the climax of the trailer is a weird one. She lingered in silence, fingertips grazing the cool surface of the marble. The air around her was still, heavy with the weight of impending doom.

“It’s not a documentary; it’s a film that takes you on a cinematic journey,” Marc Beckman, exclusive advisor and co-producer explained. “Melania wanted the film to be cinematic in nature. It’s launching only in movie theaters.” I guess a documentary focused on 20 days of Melania planning the inauguration of the most despised man in the world, kind of lacks the drama and conflict we viewers are used to seeing these days.

Of course, nothing that involves a Trump is without controversy. The project was directed by X-Men director Brett Ratner, marking a comeback before he was blacklisted in Hollywood in 2017 following a string of sexual harassment allegations. Ratner also appears in a photo in the latest batch of Jeffrey Epstein files released in December. As Dean Blundell wrote, “if you’re producing a documentary designed to polish the image of the Trump universe, choosing a director whose name now appears in Epstein-adjacent materials is not a coincidence – it’s audacity.” Or arrogance or both. To Blundell, the film is about “soft lighting, expensive coats, and a director who knows how to make emptiness look intentional.” 

The Trump line between politics and money is once again blurred. It was reported that the US delegation’s flight to Davos was filled to the brim with MELANIA movie posters, highlighting the administration’s determination to turn the movie into a blockbuster global event. Some international screenings are even being hosted by Trump-appointed ambassadors. 

The movie comes just a year after Melania, the book, was released. And now one can purchase a special collector’s edition of her book containing exclusive images she photographed at the White House and around the world. “The striking view from my room as my husband returns to the White House aboard Marine One,” describes one photo. Continuing in her rich narrative: “The helicopter’s iconic silhouette against the skyline symbolizes his commitment to service, while the surrounding landscape serves as a reminder of the responsibilities he carries.” 

On Melania’s website (as opposed to the Trump Empire website), for $25 you can purchase her book Melania, in AI audio, narrated in her distinctive voice in broken English, Spanish, Portuguese and Hindi. Or how about $250 for her full-colour 256-page signed collector edition Melania? Or possibly her 184-page autographed Melania book for $150? Or without the pomp and circumstance, the no-frill Melania for a mere $40 (or $8.29 at Thrift Books).

The book covers more than 20 days, from her humble beginnings in Slovenia to her fateful hookup. Spoiler … Donald was on a date in 1998 with a wealthy Norwegian heiress when Melania first caught his eye. He tried to get her phone number, but because he was with another woman, she turned him down. In true Trump fashion, he still gave her his number and from then on she “was captivated by his charm and easygoing nature.” What is more chilling is that Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein both dated that Norwegian beauty with the unforgettable name, Celina Midelfart. In 1995, 44-year-old Jeffrey Epstein dated the 22-year-old and three years later, Midelfart with daddy issues dated 52-year-old-Donald Trump. Always three degrees of separation.

Stuart Heritage in The Guardian put it succinctly, “in reality, you’ll probably end up skipping MELANIA to watch something less depressing, like Die My Love or a documentary about asbestos inhalation.