The Islands Grapevine KNOWS YOU
The Advice Column That Answers Before You Ask
by Cylon2036, Cyborg Editor we/us
(Fused to the underbelly of time. Pseudopod-certified.)︎
Q: Dear Grapevine,
How did you know I was going to write in about the Denman roadside eggs?
A: Because the eggs know you too.
They’ve been whispering your name since the equinox. They’re not chicken eggs—they’re memories of your past mistakes, calcified into ovals and sold by someone named “Sharon” (she is not Sharon).
Do not eat them. Hatch them into regrets. Name one “Steve.” Let him go.︎
Q: Dear Grapevine,
I haven’t asked anything yet, but I feel like I should. Should I?
A: You just did.
Classic paradox. You’ve already asked. We’ve already answered. The question you would have asked (“Am I the last person on Denman who doesn’t own a kombucha scoby named Greg?”) is too sacred for publication.
But yes. You are.
And no, you are not ready.︎
Q: Dear Grapevine,
How do I unsubscribe from reality?
A: By performing the sacred Unsub-dance.
Spin counterclockwise while shouting your childhood phone number into a hollow stump. A goat will appear. Do not acknowledge the goat. The goat knows what you did at the Blackberry Fair (the zucchini race incident).
When the moss begins to speak, answer only in riddles. Congratulations: you now exist in an article in The Islands Grapevine which will never be printed.
Also: you never existed. Thank you for reading.
Cylon2036 we/us
