Denman Island Bulletin Board Declares Itself “Beacon of Kindness,” Immediately Erupts Into Civil War Over Lost Cat Post

Denman Island Bulletin Board Declares Itself “Beacon of Kindness,” Immediately Erupts Into Civil War Over Lost Cat Post

By Staff Satirist, The Islands Grapevine

DENMAN ISLAND, BC — The Denman Island Bulletin Board Facebook page, long touted as the “heart of the community” and “a safe space for respectful discussion,” has once again demonstrated its unique talent for transforming mild inconvenience into full-blown moral warfare.

The group, which claims to “foster connection and share helpful local information,” was thrown into chaos Tuesday after a resident posted a photo of a cat “possibly lost or just really chill.” Within 14 minutes, the post had devolved into a 168-comment thread featuring accusations of “toxicity,” “censorship,” and at least three separate references to the Magna Carta.

“This group is about compassion and respect,” declared one admin in a post pinned above a 400-comment thread titled ‘Who Keeps Taking the Recycling Bins?’ “We welcome all voices — except the rude, the negative, and anyone who disagrees with me in even a nuanced way.”

Longtime residents say the page has become a vital community resource for finding plumbers, reporting ferry delays, and settling centuries-old philosophical questions through personal attacks.

“It’s incredible,” said local potter Fiona Drift, who was banned for asking where to buy tofu. “One minute you’re just trying to share that the Co-op has oat milk again, and the next, someone’s accusing you of corporate fascism.”

Observers note that the Bulletin Board’s moral compass swings wildly depending on who’s holding it. Self-described “gentle souls” have been seen publicly shaming neighbors for tone, font choice, and “energetic aggression,” while others rally around slogans like ‘Community, Compassion, and Consequences.’

One moderator, speaking under the pseudonym PeacefulDolphin49, defended the group’s approach. “We don’t silence anyone,” she said. “We simply remove comments that make people uncomfortable, question authority, or use the word ‘however.’ That’s not censorship — that’s curating good vibes.”

A recent poll of islanders revealed that 92% read the Bulletin Board “religiously,” while 87% claim they “hate it but can’t look away.” Anthropologists have proposed the page be preserved as a digital heritage site documenting “peak small-town drama.”

Despite frequent declarations of “no more negativity,” the group shows no sign of slowing its descent into self-parody. Sources report that a new rule banning “passive-aggressive language” has already sparked heated debate over whether the phrase “Have a lovely day” qualifies as an attack.

In a recent update, moderators invited members to join a new spinoff page, Denman Island Bulletin Board: The Kindness Reboot, described as “a drama-free zone for community harmony.” Within hours, the group had splintered into three factions: True Kindness, Kindness Uncensored, and The Real Bulletin Board, You Sheep.

As one commenter succinctly put it: “This island doesn’t need a community page. It needs a group hug and maybe a mute button.”