Shucking Oysters: Prolapsed Rectums
By Alex Allen
Instead of being in an uproar over Wayne Gretzky and his questionable ties to Lord Rump, we should be in an uproar over his wife, Janet Jones. Not in her behaviour but in her looks. Do you even recognize her? It’s not some new phenomenon, women have been modifying their bodies for years, from nose jobs to boob implants. But now, more and more, we have the generic fat filled lips and faces. What a sad state we have become when genuinely attractive women choose to mutilate themselves only because that’s the way it is.
Why? Why are women spending tons of money to look like a not-so-distant relative of the giant grouper, an 800 lb coral dwelling fish with lips to match? Why are women choosing to Botox every hint of expression from their faces making them appear doll-robot-like? Is it societal pressure or do men truly find the look (and feel) attractive?
The lips are the worst, because they are so in your face, as it were. Lip injections are still the rage and don’t appear to be going anywhere soon. Demand for lip fillers really surged back in May 2015, thanks to the photogenic Kardashians. Following much media speculation about her plumped-up pout, Kylie Jenner, the “queen of bee-stung big lips,” confirmed suspicions that she’d received lip fillers. Despite initially denying that she had lip injections at just 17-years-old, she finally addressed why she had undergone the cosmetic procedure at such a young age.
“It has been an insecurity of mine all my life,” she shared. “This guy I kissed was like, ‘Your lips are really small but you’re a really good kisser. I didn’t think you were gonna be good at kissing.’ “It was so rude. From then on, I just felt like I saw guys staring at my lips. I felt like no one wanted to kiss me.” But when you look deeper, is that really how all guys feel? Do men really equate small, thin lips with an inability to kiss well, let alone look good? Are “pouty puckers” actually desirable?
Liquid silicone was first used for lip augmentation in the 1960s, but this method was soon abandoned for obvious reasons and surgeons began using bovine (cow protein) collagen instead. However, this method was not without its flaws either: an allergy test was required three weeks prior to treatment and patients would have to wait weeks before any effect could be seen. Currently, injectable fillers containing hyaluronic acid (which last 6 to 15 months) are the go-to products for “aesthetic” practitioners. Hyaluronic acid is more user-friendly, a naturally occurring polysaccharide that is present in the skin and cartilage.
You wouldn’t know it from many celebrities’ selfies, but duck lips are actually an accident. Cosmetic dermatologist Dr. Karyn Grossman notes that “when you repeatedly enlarge the lips – pumping them up as big as possible – the filler can act as a tissue expander, permanently stretching the skin, and causing the lips to sag and deflate when the filler eventually degrades, leaving you in worse shape than when you started.” The best way to imagine what they look like is to think of a deflated balloon. According to Grossman, this can have long-term effects, meaning you either have to commit to lip fillers for the rest of your life or undergo lip reduction surgery to achieve a more natural look once you’ve sworn off fat lips for good.
In a survey of 1,500 aesthetic practitioners, 72% reported having to dissolve and correct lips from patients who had procedures done elsewhere. The problem has become so common that many experts now advertise “duck lip correction” as a specialized service.
According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, more than 14 million women had lip augmentation in 2023 compared with a mere 27,000 in 2015. Breast augmentation remains the favourite procedure for women, but surgeons are also seeing a trend toward smaller implants for a more balanced body. Breast lifts also continued to grow with a 7% rise (pun intended) in 2023.
But are fuller lips actually more attractive? A University of Cambridge study found that plumper lips can cause a “26% increase in perceived attractiveness.” To measure exactly how lip enhancement affects perceived attractiveness, researchers conducted a study involving 47 women between ages 27-42. Before and after images were then presented to a panel of 312 evaluators (156 men and 156 women) who rated overall facial attractiveness on a 10-point scale. Participants with enhanced lips saw their average attractiveness ratings increase, with 89% of participants receiving higher attractiveness scores after lip enhancement. Sorry, there’s a difference between pleasantly plump compared to huge, epic and corpulent.
As consumer demand for non-invasive lip enhancement continues to grow, the market has responded with several alternatives that promise fuller lips without procedures: peptide-infused lip serums; hyaluronic acid lip masks; electronic lip plumping devices; lip plumping glosses with vasodilators; and microneedling.
And even less evasive, lip plumpers: Cellexia Advanced lip plumping formula; Buxom full-on plumping lip cream; Dior Addict lip maximizer plumping gloss; NYX Filler instinct plumping lip polish; and Too-Faced Lip extreme lip plumper. The brand names seem to say it all…vacuous and hollow.
It’s not easy being a female celebrity having to constantly maintain their highly photographed faces. Victoria Beckham owes her intense beauty to dehydrated nightingale bird poo. Kim Kardashian, sheep placenta. Katie Holmes, snail slime. Kate Middleton, bee venom. Do I hear salmon sperm mixed with spider poop?
