Waldo the Walrus (this is part of a series of short stories based on a fictional supportive housing building)
Alvin looked at his computer screen while he worked at a sleeve of skinny French fries and took random bites from a filet of fish and swigs from a fountain pop. Alvin knew this food wasn’t good for him but it did fill an emotional hole in his psyche taking him back to all the times his old man took him to McDonalds after Alvin got in trouble at school and later with the law.
As Alvin downed the last mouthful his reverie was interrupted by a booming voice.
“BY ODIN’S LEFT EYE I AM A WARRIOR AND I AM MORE THAN WILLING TO DIE ON THE BATTLEFIELD AND BE LIFTED UP TO VALHALLA WHERE VIKINGS WHO DIE IN BATTLE GO. I WILL CHOP MY ENEMIES DOWN LIKE AN OLD OAK TREE!”
It was his tenant Waldo, going into one of his rants. He took one more sip of pop and slipped out from behind his desk with his work cell phone and keys and went to investigate.
“BY THE HAMMER OF THOR, GOD OF THUNDER I TOO STRIKE THE FEAR OF DEATH INTO ANY UNFORTUNATE FOOL WHO WOULD DARE OPPOSE ME AS I AM WALDO THE WALRUS, I AM WALDO THE WALRUS, KOO, KOO, KA CHOO, KOO, KOO, KA CHOO!”
Alvin followed the noise to George Road, where he could see Waldo splayed out, his back on the boulevard, his arms and legs moving as if he were trying to make a snow angel out of the patchy grass while he railed.
“Waldo, you can’t be yelling out here like this.” Waldo stopped moving and turned his large head to see where Alvin was.
“Squire Alvin, what can I do for you?”
“Stop yelling.”
“But I am channelling my Viking family and the Norse gods, my people.”
“Sure Waldo, but you scare the crap out of people when you do this and people call the police. Remember the last time you started this chanting stuff on a city bus and they took you to jail?”
“Yes, I recall that sad day when I upset the peasants.”
“Exactly, we don’t want to upset the peasants.”
“But they are only peasants.”
“Waldo, you know we don’t want to upset our neighbours here. There is nothing they want more than to get rid of us. This is the kind of thing they bring up at town hall meetings. Can you please get off of the boulevard and come back to the Jolly Rancher?”
“Okay…” Waldo stood up and dusted himself off.
“Did you know Alvin that Dr. Dick has assigned this new mental health team to come and clean my suite tomorrow. Apparently they do not want me there while they molest my personal effects.”
“I had forgotten all about that Waldo, is the thought of them in your place causing you stress?”
“Immensely.” Waldo nodded while twiddling his thick puffy dirty fingers on his broad chest.
“Are things still really bad in there Waldo?” Waldo was silent. “Do you still have an infestation of bed bugs and cockroaches? Did you ever use any of the bug sprays I gave you?” Waldo hung his head down. “You haven’t brought home any more dead things have you? No more fish or raccoons?” Waldo smiled and appeared to be amused by the question.
“I was convinced I could bring that catfish back to life.”
“I will be honest with you Waldo, I know I should help you clean but I can’t handle the smell of your place and frankly I’m terrified of somehow bringing parasitic insects home. My wife would kill me.” Waldo grinned. Alvin followed Waldo to his apartment. Waldo opened the door. The stench of garbage and rot caused Alvin to stagger backward. “SNORT!” Alvin snorted hard and choked as a small amount of filet of fish rose in his throat in the form of boiling hot acid reflux. He attempted to hold his breath as he entered. They were greeted by a giant replica of Darth Vader, who had a small army of dolls behind him. There was Thor with his hammer, Spiderman, Batman, Superman, Medusa with her head of snakes, a number of well dressed Barbie dolls, a couple of Ken dolls, a four foot Ronald McDonald and a wide variety of garden gnomes that Alvin suspected Waldo may have stolen from people’s lawns. Waldo’s window sills were thick with the carcasses of dead brown German cockroaches. Roaches scrambled along the yellow stained walls. The door was open and Alvin could see the bathtub was covered in a dark brown film of dust. A halo of drain flies twirled in a timeless circle above the tub. “Ahhh…” Alvin jumped when a large cockroach fell from the ceiling above him and bounced off of his left cheek. He watched in awe as it scuttled under a battered old dresser. “Okay, that’s enough for me Waldo.” Alvin put his hand over his mouth and marched back to the office.
Alvin fretted about the state of Waldo’s apartment while he sat behind the desk. He knew he would be blamed, even though he’d had no training in how to clean up such a biohazard. He believed someone as ill as Waldo should probably be in a hospital setting but that was true of most of the Jolly Ranchers. He’d read that in Finland, a country rated as the happiest in the world year after year, a supportive housing unit of comparable size would have a doctor, a nurse, a social worker, maintenance staff and would adhere to the four pillars of harm reduction. But he wasn’t in Finland. He didn’t look forward to the mental health team that was showing up to deal with Waldo’s place and was concerned with being judged. He’d book off sick but he was out of paid sick leave and he needed money to pay off an infinite number of debts including his giant mortgage.
At eight the next morning Alvin observed a white government health authority sport utility vehicle pull into the parking lot of the Jolly Rancher. Four people got out of the vehicle each holding disposable coffee cups. They made their way towards his office door. Alvin trotted to the door to greet them and flung it open. “Good morning!”
“Good morning, we are here to check on our client, Waldo Anders,” replied a tall thick boned woman with shiny waxy pocked skin and dyed blond hair. “I’m Noreen, that’s Trish, Lisa, and Noel.” Everybody smiled. Alvin realised he had left the office door unlocked as Emma McGrath came marching in. “I really needs a coffee now!” The coffee pot huffed away on a table. “You know we don’t open until nine, Emma.” Alvin tapped the imaginary watch on his wrist. “You let these fuckers in,” she sneered.
“Emma, you have to go.”
“This is bullshit!” She slammed the door. Alvin rushed over to lock it.
“She’s a bit of a grump,” said the smiling young woman named Trish. “Yes, Emma can be challenging.” Alvin gave a nervous smile. “What can we expect?” Asked Noel. He had streaks of flaming red in his mop of fuzzy white hair which made Alvin think of Cherry Garcia ice cream. He was a mildly plump man and had very small soft reddish hands sticking out the sleeves of his thick blue turtleneck sweater. Alvin detected a British accent. “Waldo is a dumpster diver who collects things from dumpsters while he gathers containers to recycle for deposit.”
“A binner,” said Trish, her excited grin showing a fine set of healthy white teeth.
“Yes, that’s how he makes some extra coins but he’s also been known to bring home dead animals, once he even dragged home an enormous catfish. He also has bed bugs and cockroaches.”
“How did you let this happen?” Noel sneered. Alvin bristled.
“We can’t stop him from bringing home whatever he likes. He has his own entrance and it is independent housing. Waldo is under the tenancy act and has all the rights and freedoms that go with that.”
“Does Waldo have a substance abuse issue?” The dark short portly woman named Lisa asked. “No substance abuse issue that I am aware of which is very unusual for most of the Jolly Ranchers. Just about everybody who lives here has a dual diagnosis.”
“Dr. Dyck had Waldo Anders sign a waiver that gives us complete freedom to toss whatever we feel should be tossed.” Noreen waved a blue piece of paper at Alvin who smiled and nodded. “He’s the suite on the corner of the building?” She asked. Alvin nodded. “Let’s do this team.”
Alvin watched them don their hazmat suits out in the parking lot. They were laughing and high fiving. He observed them on surveillance cameras as they entered Waldo’s suite. Waldo left shortly thereafter carrying garbage bags over his thick shoulders.
After about ten minutes Alvin watched as the entire mental health team came from Waldo’s suite. Trish was twirling wildly while trying to peel off her hazmat suit. Noreen and Lisa were trying to help her. “THERE ARE FUCKING COCKROACHES EVERYWHERE IN MY SUIT! THEY’RE CRAWLING ALL OVER ME! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!” Tears were running down her face. Noel was vomiting into a white bucket.
The office door was open, in case the team wanted to check in on their way out, but Alvin was greatly relieved when he saw them drive away.
A month later Waldo was evicted. He’s been homeless ever since.
