*Satire*
All-Seeing Bliss: Full-Spectrum Drone Surveillance
By Thomas P. Hunterson,
Chairman and CEO of Newcor Strategic Observations Group™️
In these uncertain times, when porch pirates roam free, raccoons behave with open impunity, and neighbours have the audacity to mind their own business there is only one logical solution: full-spectrum drone surveillance blanketing every inch of our beloved communities. Some naysayers may mutter words like “privacy,” “civil liberties,” or “I’d prefer not to be filmed showering,” but these concerns quickly dissolve when compared to the unparalleled glory of a sky buzzing with benevolent robotic observers.
Imagine stepping outside your front door and feeling the gentle whirl of rotor blades above; the modern equivalent of a guardian angel, only louder, shinier, and equipped with thermal imaging, and the comfort of constant aerial companionship. It’s incredibly reassuring to know that no matter where you go, a drone is hovering nearby, documenting your every move in case you ever want to relive the magic of your visit to the recycling centre.
For centuries, humanity has suffered from the oppressive burden of not knowing what everyone else is doing every second of the day. But fear not: with full-spectrum surveillance there is an end to all mystery, while gossip becomes obsolete. Why speculate about your neighbour’s romantic life, when you can view a 4K aerial replay? Why wonder which dog is off-leash and leaving unwanted “presents”, when you can call up a heat-signature track and file a detailed report? At last, the dream of total transparency, especially other people’s, can be fully realized.
Drones bring people together in ways previously believed impossible, boosting community engagement whether you want it or not. Suddenly, parent-teacher meetings are more lively when parents review flight logs to determine who exactly let their kid leave a bicycle in the ditch by the ferry. Bridge Parties are no longer plagued by awkward dancing and instead, residents enjoy spirited debates over whose backyard trampoline generated the most suspicious movements at 3 a.m. Nothing fosters togetherness like mutually assured visibility.
Gone are the dark ages where homeowners lived in blissful ignorance of their yard’s imperfections. Full spectrum surveillance harkens a new golden age for lawn care. With drones capturing every brown patch, weed, and slightly crooked garden gnome, citizens have been elevated to peak horticultural enlightenment. Neighbourhood standards rise, competitive edging becomes the sport of the summer, and front yards everywhere achieve an immaculate, surveillance-optimized sheen.
What better time than early childhood to teach kids this important life lesson, that privacy is a quaint relic from the past? Thanks to drones hovering lovingly over playgrounds, children adapt quickly to performing for an invisible aerial audience. They grow up confident, self-aware, and perfectly prepared for adulthood in which every job interview, commute, nap, and dental cleaning is monitored for quality assurance.
Sure, some critics claim that full-spectrum drone surveillance represents a “dystopian overreach,” or a “nightmare scenario,” or “literally the opening montage of every cautionary sci-fi film ever made.” But these cynics overlook the profound joy of living in a community where nothing escapes the warm, unblinking gaze of tireless mechanical helpers.
After all, what is freedom compared to the soothing certainty that someone, somewhere, somehow, is watching you at all times? Because if safety is good, then omnipresent aerial monitoring must be great. And in this brave new world of beautifully buzzing skies, we can all sleep soundly knowing that even our dreams might be recorded for an even brighter, buzzier, future review.
