Beware The Shittening


Beware The Shittening

Once upon a time there was a tiny emerald island in the Salish Sea – an idyllic utopia where people lived their lives in peace and harmony and all worked and played together for the common good and never an unkind word was uttered. Then one day someone said, “We need to build a board of public notice, it would serve us well, a place to ask for things we need, or to post offers of help, and if someone’s pigs escaped, this would be a place to provide updated information on their whereabouts…there is no limit to the good it would do!”.

People grew very excited as word of the board spread, and a meeting at the hall was called where all the villagers gathered and after a short time it was agreed upon and approved. They hired the lovable but curmudgeonly Lindsay Michaels to build the notice board, because she was good with tools. After a short time the board was completed and all in the land gathered to witness the ceremonial unveiling in the town square. The board soon grew quite popular as postings of lost kitties, escaped dogs, and vegan nut loaf recipes were shared. It was a wondrous thing and everyone would scramble to gather and gaze upon it in awe filled reverence in anticipation of the joy they would surely find.

However, as time passed, dissent found it’s way to the beloved board. Disagreements were had, neighbor became pitted against neighbor, and soon slurs became the order of the day. Lifelong friends became bitter enemies, and even family members became divided. The islanders were foreign to such hate, and to some it was repulsive, but to others, it was like an elixir that drew them like moths to a flame. And that’s when the first shit pile revealed itself. People were baffled and confused…”What kind of shit is this?” they asked, not knowing that they were what had caused the shit to appear. Rumors began to swirl as more shit emerged, and the people were whipped into a frenzy of fear and paranoia. “There’s shit everywhere I go now…I can’t even travel to the market without encountering shit on some level” said Coriander Nettlebottom. “I know, I’ve never seen so much heavily concentrated shit…it’s as though a plane made a strafing shit run…or a series of planes dropped a payload of shit bombs upon us” replied Boho Yogapants. A local shrubber turned raconteur Pompadour Joe was blamed, and a witch hunt ensued. “I heard someone saying something I didn’t like, and Pompadour Joe just stood there, letting them talk…and he didn’t even try to stop them!” exclaimed Patchouli Serenade. Others began to chime in, and soon Pompadour Joe found himself publicly shamed and the butt of scorn and contempt. “Let’s ruin his life!” they cried, “We’ll prohibit him from talking and make his stories against the law, and banish him!!”

One day a wise man travelled from afar, and told of an ancient tale – one of a people that the same fate had befallen. “Beware the Shittening” he warned, “for within the hearts of all among us the shit lies dormant, but at any time can grow, picking up speed and intensity, becoming stronger by the day, until before long it’s too late…upon which your entire island will be sucked into the undertow of a massive shitnami, and all will be lost forever”. Then suddenly a small dirty faced waif uttered the words, “It’s the public board, that’s when this all started”. And all at once the townsfolk fell silent, for in the child’s voice echoed the sounds of truth. “I’m sorry Thadeus, I shouldn’t have called you a socialist halfwit low resolution thinker”, and Thadeus replied, “I’m sorry too Trevor, I shouldn’t have called you a far right conspiracy theorist Christian pig fucker and tried to get you fired from your job”.

“It is the public board…it has brought evil to our land, we must burn it, and peace will reign upon us once again”, someone cried, and it was agreed that the board be taken down and burned, and not to be spoken of again. Then another was heard to say, “Well, it looks like we owe Pompadour Joe an apology….” and the crowd all looked about and after a moment a voice replied, “Nah, fuck that, he’s a asshole! ” and massive cheering erupted and warm embraces were had and everyone agreed that it was far easier to blame someone else rather than self reflect and admit any malfeasance on their own behalf. And, as the legend goes, that very moment, a giant brown shit cloud enveloped the island, and one by one, the shitdrops began to fall, and before long it had turned into a full blown atmospheric shitstorm that caused the riverbanks to swell until finally, all those that lived there were swept into the ocean, forever gone.

And one sunny morn, in a far away land, a bottle washed up upon the shores of another tiny island, and in it a note that read simply, “Beware the Shittening….”