Freedom

April 9, 2007 10:34 AM

After getting so engrossed in my current read of ‘Watership Down,’ I turned in last night at about 1:00 am. I awoke after what felt to be a good sleep but the imagery of my dreams made me wonder if my sleep wasn’t more fitful. 

It seems that I was out of jail. The impression was that my sentence was officially completed! I recall visiting with James and Bronwen and they told me that they had a good deal of money for me. All seemed good. I proceeded to the liquor store to purchase a six pack of beer but something compelled me to avoid purchasing my beloved Sleeman’s due to its prohibitive cost. Despite the understanding that my finances were healthy, I looked to buy a cheaper beer as though I was thoughtful of stretching my account money. Much as we are mindful of in placing a canteen order. I remember hemming and hawing in between the two displays of disparately priced ales. Suddenly, a man in a wheelchair slid alongside my indecisive self and rolled over the the outside of my foot. I suppose that helped me to decide on the cheaper beer and after purchasing it, I left. Free with beer. Ah, things were looking up indeed. It seemed to my mind that I was out and about in a town of little correlation to any I know but I was apparently familiar with it. In the midst of my roaming around a thought came to roost upon my mind, troubling me. Despite being free, I couldn’t seem to recollect the months between spring and what must have been mid-September if I were truly free. I’d drank a few beers and while I didn’t feel that I was A.W.O.L. from jail as in previous dreams, part of me was doubtful that September and my freedom had occurred so swiftly, and without remembrance of it. It worried me now that I had drank some beer if indeed I wasn’t supposed to be free yet. What if I had to go back? I needed to confirm the date so I returned to James and Bronwen to ask, but they told me that it was, indeed, September. Odd it was. So odd, as a matter of fact, that I awoke just in time for another jail house breakfast.

It’s amazing to me how my circumstance permeates my subconscious. To the point of not even being able to escape it in dreams. It just reveals exactly how heavy this all plays on my mind. From the very first, when I got caught, all the way till now, I’ve been smothered by this weight. My mood seldom light or truly unaffected in some way, even minutely, by this whole distressing reality. It makes me wonder how long after my actual release will my dreams hold imagery of this experience? Robbing me of peace of mind as it seems to so readily do now. One month? Two? One year? Maybe only a couple of days. Sloughing this burden will be aided by awaking in one’s own bed for sure. A few mornings of that might help to remove some of the soggy layers that help saturate my subconscious. 

I’ve been living with the down of this whole experience for so long now that I fear I’ve lost my bearings completely. What will life feel like to not be hindered in any way further after it is all over and done? To be free. Will I prove capable of feeling that release? Will my dreams move on from this episode when my physical self does on September 15th?