Missionaries on Speed
Blessed missionaries of the cabalistic cult of the cable, thank you for bringing the good news of digital enlightenment to the benighted populace of our uncivilized island. We the unwashed masses dearly want to be raised up in your noble image. In this glorious endeavor, we will always be grateful for any precious capsules of technological wisdom that you might prescribe from your overflowing medicine cabinet of virtual nostrums. Heeding your righteous warning that the sacred benefits of the tourism-gentrification complex cannot be sufficiently attained with the broken internet service presently available, we true believers yearn to be upgraded and uplifted at an accelerating pace to the lofty level deemed most worthy of your High-Speed Digital God. Oh, mighty fibre-optic proselytizers, rest assured that we will always keep the faith. In seeking to attain a state-of-grace, we must devoutly say no to fleshly vices, and ecstatically chant yes to algorithmic devices! With your sanctified words of encouragement acting as the wind in our sails and with the holy promised land in sight, we poor pilgrims will reverently set sail into the electric blue skies that beckon us to find our salvation in the heavenly metaverse. We have seen the light. Amen!
Your humble servant,